Shannonymous

"It's been a while..."

2010-10-05T08:50:00.000-07:00

My lovely sister-in-law just started an awesome Halloween blog:
http://zoghalloweencountdown.blogspot.com/
and it reminded me that I have a blog too! ;) It has been quite a while since I posted (I was just a little busy HAVING AND RAISING MY SON! ;) but I'm hoping to get back on the swing of things, even though I really use facebook as my blog! ;) I'm so happy it is fall and I'm looking forward to Halloween! Now if I can just figure out what to do...

I knew I loved him!

2009-04-22T13:31:00.000-07:00

The Colbert Report

Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

The Colbert Coalition's Anti-Gay Marriage Ad

colbertnation.com

Colbert Report Full Episodes

Political Humor

Gay Marriage Commercial

"Just a dog"

2008-12-13T18:30:00.000-08:00

Had to steal this from my future sis-in-law. Thanks, J!!!

"From time to time, people tell me, "lighten up, it's just a dog,"
or, "that's a lot of money for just a dog."

They don't understand the distance traveled, the time spent, or the costs involved for "just a dog."

Some of my proudest moments have come about with "just a dog."

Many hours have passed and my only company was "just a dog,"
but I did not once feel slighted.

Some of my saddest moments have been brought about by "just a dog,"
and in those days of darkness, the gentle touch of "just a dog" gave me comfort and reason to overcome the day.

If you, too, think it's "just a dog," then you will probably understand
phrases like "just a friend," "just a sunrise," or "just a promise."

"Just a dog" brings into my life the very essence of friendship, trust,
and pure unbridled joy.

"Just a dog" brings out the compassion and patience that make me a better person.

Because of "just a dog", I will rise early, take long walks and look longingly to the future.

So for me and folks like me, it's not "just a dog" but an embodiment of all the hopes and dreams of the future,
the fond memories of the past, and the pure joy of the moment.

"Just a dog" brings out what's good in me and diverts my thoughts away
from myself and the worries of the day.

I hope that someday they can understand that it's not "just a dog",
but the thing that gives me humanity and keeps me from being
"just a man or woman."

So the next time you hear the phrase "just a dog"
just smile...
because they "just don't understand."

by Richard Biby

Best and Worst of 2008 (in brief & in no particular order ;)

2008-12-10T09:07:00.000-08:00

Best
* Giants win Superbowl
* The Dark Knight
* Sons of Anarchy
* Heroes, South Park & Lost
* My wedding and the weddings of loved ones
* Britney's comeback
* "Yes We Can"
* Tina Fey as Sarah Palin
* OBAMA WINS!

Worst
~ Vick pleads guilty/Plazixo shoots himself in the leg
~ Heath Ledger's untimely passing
~ Paris Hilton's My New BFF
~ Heroes, South Park & Lost not being on for months at a time
~ cheating scandals of public officials and many others
~ Britney's meltdown
~ "Maverick"
~ the real Sarah Palin
~ McCain loses ;)

Thank God... Yes we DID!

2008-12-10T09:05:00.000-08:00

It's official- Sarah Palin is an idiot!!!

2008-10-01T17:18:00.000-07:00

DRILL DRILL DRILL (a message from Eve Ensler)

2008-09-10T14:29:00.000-07:00

I am having Sarah Palin nightmares. I dreamt last night that she was a member of a club where they rode snowmobiles and wore the claws of drowned and starved polar bears around their necks. I have a particular thing for Polar Bears. Maybe it's their snowy whiteness or their bigness or the fact that they live in the arctic or that I have never seen one in person or touched one. Maybe it is the fact that they live so comfortably on ice. Whatever it is, I need the polar bears.

I don't like raging at women. I am a Feminist and have spent my life trying to build community, help empower women and stop violence against them. It is hard to write about Sarah Palin. This is why the Sarah Palin choice was all the more insidious and cynical. The people who made this choice count on the goodness and solidarity of Feminists.

But everything Sarah Palin believes in and practices is antithetical to Feminism which for me is part of one story -- connected to saving the earth, ending racism, empowering women, giving young girls options, opening our minds, deepening tolerance, and ending violence and war.

I believe that the McCain/Palin ticket is one of the most dangerous choices of my lifetime, and should this country chose those candidates the fall-out may be so great, the destruction so vast in so many areas that America may never recover. But what is equally disturbing is the impact that duo would have on the rest of the world. Unfortunately, this is not a joke. In my lifetime I have seen the clownish, the inept, the bizarre be elected to the presidency with regularity.

Sarah Palin does not believe in evolution. I take this as a metaphor. In her world and the world of Fundamentalists nothing changes or gets better or evolves. She does not believe in global warming. The melting of the arctic, the storms that are destroying our cities, the pollution and rise of cancers, are all part of God's plan. She is fighting to take the polar bears off the endangered species list. The earth, in Palin's view, is here to be taken and plundered. The wolves and the bears are here to be shot and plundered. The oil is here to be taken and plundered. Iraq is here to be taken and plundered. As she said herself of the Iraqi war, "It was a task from God."

Sarah Palin does not believe in abortion. She does not believe women who are raped and incested and ripped open against their will should have a right to determine whether they have their rapist's baby or not.

She obviously does not believe in sex education or birth control. I imagine her daughter was practicing abstinence and we know how many babies that makes.

Sarah Palin does not much believe in thinking. From what I gather she has tried to ban books from the library, has a tendency to dispense with people who think independently. She cannot tolerate an environment of ambiguity and difference. This is a woman who could and might very well be the next president of the United States. She would govern one of the most diverse populations on the earth.

Sarah believes in guns. She has her own custom Austrian hunting rifle. She has been known to kill 40 caribou at a clip. She has shot hundreds of wolves from the air.

Sarah believes in God. That is of course her right, her private right. But when God and Guns come together in the public sector, when war is declared in God's name, when the rights of women are denied in his name, that is the end of separation of church and state and the undoing of everything America has ever tried to be.

I write to my sisters. I write because I believe we hold this election in our hands. This vote is a vote that will determine the future not just of the U.S., but of the planet. It will determine whether we create policies to save the earth or make it forever uninhabitable for humans. It will determine whether we move towards dialogue and diplomacy in the world or whether we escalate violence through invasion, undermining and attack. It will determine whether we go for oil, strip mining, coal burning or invest our money in alternatives that will free us from dependency and destruction. It will determine if money gets spent on education and healthcare or whether we build more and more methods of killing. It will determine whether America is a free open tolerant society or a closed place of fear, fundamentalism and aggression.

If the Polar Bears don't move you to go and do everything in your power to get Obama elected then consider the chant that filled the hall after Palin spoke at the RNC, "Drill Drill Drill." I think of teeth when I think of drills. I think of rape. I think of destruction. I think of domination. I think of military exercises that force mindless repetition, emptying the brain of analysis, doubt, ambiguity or dissent. I think of pain.

Do we want a future of drilling? More holes in the ozone, in the floor of the sea, more holes in our thinking, in the trust between nations and peoples, more holes in the fabric of this precious thing we call life?

Message from my man, Obama

2008-09-04T18:17:00.000-07:00

Why would the Republicans spend a whole night of their convention attacking ordinary people?

With the nation watching, the Republicans mocked, dismissed, and actually laughed out loud at Americans who engage in community service and organizing.

Our convention was different. We gave the stage to everyday Americans who hunger for change and stepped up to make phone calls, knock on doors, and raise money in small amounts in their communities.

What you didn't hear from the Republicans at their convention is a single new idea about how to make the healthcare system work, get our economy moving for the middle class, or improve education.

Just attacks -- on me, and on you.

But what the McCain attack squad doesn't understand is that people like you -- who devote part of their busy lives to organizing and building their communities -- have the power to change this country.

With your help, that's exactly what we're going to do.

Thank you,

Barack

She's NO Hillary Clinton.

2008-09-04T15:36:00.000-07:00

She's a gay-bashing, wolf-killing, pro-oil, anti-choice, elitist neo-con who I personally think is a bad mother. Going back to work two days after her baby was born? Abandoning her FIVE children for public office? I'm sorry but one daughter is pregnant, 17 and unmarried and another has downs syndrome; those kids need BOTH parents around a hell of a lot more than Palin ever has or ever will be. She's more conservative than Bush and she's a self-proclaimed pit bull with lipstick. No brainer. GO OBAMA/BIDEN!!!!!!!!

A rare donation

2008-06-15T19:30:00.000-07:00

Like many New Yorkers, when I’m on the subway and someone enters the car making an announcement asking for money, I tune them out. It’s a defense mechanism I (we?) adopted after being assailed by certain people’s offensive comments, demeanors and/or odors. But today a thin old man who looked vaguely like a cross between Jack Keroac and a refugee from a war camp in Rawanda entered the number 1 train I was riding and announced it was time for a poetry reading. This struck me because I was just reading about a man’s misunderstanding of what a poetry reading is in Russo’s novel, Nobody’s Fool. So I looked up to view the poet, proclaiming his pieces to be original and “never before heard.” There was something about him that made me want to tune in for a change. But by this time he was at the other end of the car, facing away from me, so I couldn’t hear what he said until he turned back to utter his departing line, “And don’t forget to smile, New York,” he said wearily, “it won’t mess up your hair.” And I did smile, wryly, sharing his obvious exhaustion with those people on the subway, on the island, on the planet that are so consumed with outward appearances and material possessions that they forget to see beauty in life, love, art, and find joy in their fellow human beings. He then disappeared into the next car, using the doors we’re not supposed to use because of their unsafety. I waited for the subway to stop and used the proper doors to exit the car and walked the two feet to enter the next car’s doors. I found the poet and handed him the only dollar I had on me. It was my stop so I turned around to leave the train again, only to have the doors close, trapping my foot and hands that attempted to keep them open. “I gotcha,” the poet assured me, inserting his hand between the doors too. “It will open again,” he offered and we both took our limbs out to let the doors close.
“It’s o.k. if it doesn’t.” I said, thinking I might like to hear more of his words. But it did, and I jumped out again, watching the train and the poet pull away from my day and hoping that he saw my sad smile through his sunglasses.

Wonderful

2008-06-11T14:48:00.000-07:00

30 pages away from finishing my second Richard Russo. An amazing writer and really knows how to write about the soul of a person, the truth, how the everyday mundane activities and interactions can be anything but. I highly recommend these two novels.

Two of many favorite quotes: "How'd you like to deal with this for about a week?" the young woman asked. . ."How about for a day? After twenty-four hours you wouldn't know whether to eat shit, chase rabbits or bark at the moon."

And less funny, but certainly more poignant: "An imperfect human heart, perfectly shattered, was her conclusion. A condition so common as to be virtually universal, rendering issues of right and wrong almost incidental."

Closure ;)

2008-06-11T14:35:00.000-07:00

It was so good to see the girls finally grow up. (Although, Charlotte was pretty much there from the start.) And great to see these women finally accept themselves for who they are and do the same for the men they love. It is an interesting study in the balancing act between giving a partner what (s)he needs while still fulfilling your own desires. And always an important lesson: don't expect your significant other to be perfect, because chances are, you ain't either. Congrats to the SATC girls for getting their happy endings… and here’s hoping all the other fabulous people I love get theirs too. ;)

Back, to cyberspace...

2008-06-11T14:34:00.001-07:00

A few of these posts had to be removed from my blog (for reasons I shan't reveal here) and now they're back, so the chronology is off... my apologies for any confusion...

Kids can be so cruel...

2008-06-11T14:16:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite guilty pleasures, a teen drama, induced a very different type of guilt last night. The episode depicted a Columbine type situation. It was pretty well done and brought up lots of old memories for me.

The topic of kids being ostracized at school is always a popular one. I’ve had countless discussions with friends and family about how we were all treated in school, how we were accepted or made to feel like losers. People never get over their experiences. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve talked with people about how their self esteem growing up was determined, even demolished, by the way their peers treated them in school.

And it only gets worse! Incidents with kids committing suicide, bringing guns to school to harm others, suing the administrations that allow them to be harassed and sometimes brutalized: these things keep happening, to the point that they’re not even considered worthy of being reported in the papers or on t.v. anymore.

Why aren’t teachers and administrators doing more? Why aren’t there sensitivity classes or something? Why aren’t there more discussion groups and time with guidance counselors? Why aren’t there BETTER guidance counselors???

Is it because teachers and administrators are too scared of their kids? Is it because they think it’s the parents’ job to teach their kids respect for others and how to tolerate those different from them? Clearly parents aren’t doing the job. And even those who do, can’t be there to watch their kids every minute.

Too many kids are made to feel ugly, stupid, abnormal and unworthy of friendship, love and attention. Too many kids turn to drugs, alcohol, violence and other self-destructive behaviors because they can’t achieve the one goal they strive so hard to achieve: fitting in.

I was one of those kids, and thankfully I got through it in one piece. I don’t feel sorry for myself, and I don’t expect others too either—my story isn’t so bad. But knowing what I do now, I wish there was something I could do to make the system better, so kids wouldn’t have to go through what I went through, let alone far worse treatment.

The public grade schools in the town I grew up in weren’t the best. I lucked out in 2nd grade with an awesome teacher. But in 3rd grade I wasn’t so lucky. I started getting bored, not paying attention, and getting poor grades. The administration called my mom in and said that I should be put in a slower class or held back because I did so poorly on standardized tests. They even retested me, putting me alone in a room to take the tests, away from other kids and “distractions.” I spent most of the time allotted to me practicing my ballet steps.

“Wait a minute,” my mother said, “let me see these tests.” Sure enough I had gotten all of the questions I answered correct, but didn’t finish, stopping less than half way through. The administrators failed to notice this, having only looked at my scores. It’s easy to make mistakes when you have so many kids to look after.

I was accepted to a nearby private school with a generous scholarship, since I was bright and my parents were broke. Well, not broke, but definitely not well off. I was very excited. I had met many of the teachers during my interviews and they were all quite nice and much more interesting than my 3rd grade teacher. I also knew one girl in my class through other friends. Her name was Laurie and we got along famously. Of course Laurie failed to mention to me, upon hearing I’d be attending her school, that she was very unpopular. This was fourth grade mind you; social hierarchy was in full swing. So, being associated with her, added to the fact that I was mildly hyperactive, didn’t wear clothes from Polo or Laura Ashley, took ballet, had parents who shared a Honda civic and ran a theatre, I was immediately labeled a “spaz” and a “loser.” The girls in my class would run their fingers over their pearl necklaces (yes, they wore real pearls in FOURTH grade), and sweep their eyes up and down my form, taking in my favorite sweater—slightly tattered pink with multi-colored puppies on it—my purple corduroy skirt and white tights and then roll their eyes, laugh and stalk away. They would examine their perfectly manicured nails and the three or four gold bracelets and rings they wore, glance at my bare hands and whisper to each other.
“Why do you wear clothes like that?” a boy asked during my first few days at the new school, looking at me as if I was wearing a dress made of dog shit.
“Um… uh…” I stammered, confused by the question but trying to think fast. “My grandmother makes me.”
My grandmother. The woman who loved me more than anything else in her world, who doted on me, spoiled me, gave me everything I wanted, including the clothes I wore and had once found adorable. I was blaming her for the very gifts she gave me, because some little prick didn’t think they were good enough.

I cried myself to sleep every night. My parents tried to console me; my mother told me I was a great kid and that it was probably just a matter of time until the others warmed up to me. She even offered to lend me what little good jewelry she had, to wear to school. I agonized over what to wear each day, and was perpetually late to first period.

After a couple of months, my home room teacher announced that we would be changing our seating arrangement and asked us to write down on pieces of paper our top three choices for who we wanted to sit next to. After reviewing everyone’s selections, he pulled me aside and asked me if I was really trying to make new friends; only Laurie had put me down on her list. Although there were only about 20 kids in my whole class, his words made me feel as if the entire planet had rejected me. I lied and said I didn’t care, so he seated Laurie and I together and the rest of the girls in another clump nearby. It was horrible.

Laurie’s mom was so upset that Laurie wasn’t popular, she blamed it on her age and held her back to repeat fourth grade… at another school. Suddenly I was totally alone. The girls continued to put me down and the boys were getting worse. My grandmother said to ignore them, “Usually when boys tease girls it’s their way of hiding the fact that they really LIKE them!” This made me feel a bit better, and for a while, I successfully ignored the boys. But one day, the tallest, best looking boy in my class was really letting me have it. He laughed and yelled about the way I looked, the way I talked, even the way I was polite to my teachers. I couldn’t stand it anymore.
“You know,” I said haughtily, “my grandmother says when a boy teases a girl this much, it means he likes her.” The huge grin on his face was replaced by shock and then disgust. He walked slowly over to me, looked down into my pale face, and said softly, “I wouldn’t like you if you were the last DOG on earth.” I felt his breath on my face turning me red and knew by the cackles from his friends that he hadn’t spoken too quietly for them to hear him.

Before any of us girls had blemishes, the boys started talking about them. No doubt educated by their older siblings (who had already taught a few of them to drink and smoke cigarettes), they began supposing who would have the biggest craters and the most blackheads. The first time I got the smallest red spot, one boy told me he “couldn’t wait to suck the pus out of [my] zits.”

A few more scholarship students transferred in and I latched onto them immediately, so I didn’t feel so alone, and I got the leads in a few school plays and recitals, so my “theatre geek” status increased. Fortunately I got so much praise from teachers and parents for my talent, it became the one thing the kids couldn’t make fun of me for, so I embraced it and somehow graduated 8th grade in tact.

High school was also private, and all girls, but no less grueling. There were the same snotty faces and shirts with little horses on the front looking me up and down and then smirking smugly. Again I found a few friends among the theatre geeks, the misfits, those without perfect hair or perfect figures. When I finally went through puberty and got real acne, I could hear the voices of those 7th grade boys ringing in my ears. I started to wear thick, ugly concealer, which just made my skin worse, but I figured it was better for people to be whispering that I wore too much make-up than that I was a “pizza face.” More than once I’d walk in on a conversation where girls were making fun of my outfits, which again I’d picked out myself and thought were cute…

Once, a girl unlike almost any other in her class transferred from a different school. Initially ridiculed for her style and wardrobe, she made my other classmates laugh at my expense; she would lock me out of classrooms, imitate my high-pitched voice, and joke about beating me up. The popular girls found this so funny that they accepted her into their clique and within no time she had ditched her old look for something much more preppy.

Later my friend “L” told me she had a crush on a classmate, “T”. She wrote a letter to T, saying she thought she was beautiful and wished she could kiss her. T took the letter to the guidance counselor and told everyone it made her very uncomfortable. Said guidance counselor brought L into her office for over an hour and when L came out, she was crying. News spread all over the school and by the end of the day I was one of only 4 girls who wasn’t avoiding L like the plague.

Another of my friends who was a brilliant artist and poet, but not what the popular kids deemed worthy, was contemplating suicide because shyness and self-loathing was becoming unbearable.

I heard whispers in the hall about girls as young as 13 having sex and doing cocaine. I’d barely had my first kiss.

When I got to college I was completely naïve, inexperienced with boys and alcohol and hadn’t had a class larger than 30 kids in my entire life. I was overwhelmed by how many students there were… and there were less than 2,000. I wanted to impress everyone to the point that every girl would want to be my friend and every boy would want to date me. What’s that expression? You can’t please everyone? They should amend it to be:

You can’t please everyone, and if you try, everyone will hate you.

I tried so hard to make everyone like me that very few did. Half way through the year I found a character sketch my roommate had written about me. It described in detail the way everyone would mock me the minute I left a room. How I was so obviously trying to fit in that I would change my opinion to fit that of whomever I was with, and that basically the only people who were nice to me, did so out of pity.

I walked around numb and silent for about 2 days after reading this… and then proceeded to trash myself. I drank every night until I passed out. Being numb and intoxicated is certainly an interesting change when you’ve been hypersensitive to being stared at and called names for so long.

As down on myself as I was, as reckless as I became, I lived through it and I’m truly thankful for that. I was very lucky, and after a short time, I woke up and realized that my life was worth more than what I was doing to my body. I realized that I was throwing away my health and my talent, and that while some people didn’t like me and tried to make my life miserable, there were a few others that loved me and didn’t judge me for my wardrobe or my insecurities. I realized that I was giving too much power to assholes that I shouldn’t care less about. I woke up. Thankfully.

And when I finally stopped caring who I impressed, when I finally grew some courage and started seeing that there were some things in me I could be proud of, when I finally started telling the bitches who put me down to fuck off, I finally started feeling good about myself. And with this confidence came something I had wished for, for so long: some popularity. Yes, for a brief time, when I finally stopped trying to be one, I became one of the “cool kids.” …and I didn’t know how to handle it. Initially I even became what I had once feared and loathed more than anything, brandishing what little “power” I had and using it to make others feel bad... and it made me sick. So I apologized to the few people I had hurt and made amends. I also tried to make up for it by helping other new kids and freshman adjust and feel good about themselves.

The point is, my story isn’t so bad- I turned out fine. But there are thousands of kids all over this country who went through what I did and worse. And through it all, teachers did nothing. Many still do; they turn a blind eye and say things like, “boys will be boys” or “kids can be so cruel,” and then sigh and change the subject.

Nothing really has changed in hundreds of years—kids are still brutally affected by the way they are treated by their peers. And while some get through it to become happy, productive adults, others o.d. on drugs, become prostitutes, drink themselves to death, terrorize other kids, and bring guns to school to shoot themselves or others.

It needs to stop. And until “the powers that be” do something to improve the situation, maybe some of us can help, just a little bit, by sharing our stories, so that kids going through it now know that at least they’re not the only one… at least they’re not alone…

or maybe I'm just kidding myself.

"My Name Is Meth"

2008-06-11T13:38:00.000-07:00

I got an email forward about a young girl addicted to crystal methamphetamine. Supposedly, she wrote the poem below while in jail. The story goes that she was released short time later, but true to her poem, the drug owned her; she was found dead less than a month later...

"Please keep praying for our children, teens, and adults" the forward says. And true or not, this story could very well have happened; whoever wrote this poem certainly knew something about poison. Understand, this is isn't just the subject of a black comedy starring the talented Jason Schwartzman or a subplot in "Traffic," it's an epidemic.

During my freshman year of college my roommate and "a friend" tried meth. They had never even heard of it before, had never done any hard drugs, but after a few minutes of “peer pressure,” they were freebasing. They were up for three straight days and ate one piece of pizza each during that entire time. They felt like they were on a roller coaster that was going to crash for THREE DAYS AND NIGHTS. Another friend saw them while they were under the influence, and still talks about how it was one of the scariest things he'd ever seen. I am so thankful that they felt horrible enough after those three days to not get hooked... most people aren't so lucky.

"My Name Is Meth"

I destroy homes, I tear families apart,
I take your children, and that's just the start.

I'm more costly than diamonds, more precious than gold,
The sorrow I bring is a sight to behold.

If you need me, remember! I'm easily found;
I live all around you - in schools and in town.

I live with the rich; I live with the poor,
I live down the street, and maybe next door.

I'm made in a lab, but not like you think,
I can be made under the kitchen sink,

In your child's closet, and even in the woods.
If this scares you to death, well it certainly should.

I have many names, but there's one you know best,
I'm sure you've heard: my name is crystal meth.

My power is awesome; try me you'll see,
But if you do, you may never break free.

Just try me once and I might let you go,
But just try me twice, and I'll own your soul.

When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie,
You'll do what you have to -- just to get high.

The crimes you'll commit for my narcotic charms
Will be worth the pleasure you'll feel in your arms.

You'll lie to your mother; you'll steal from your dad,
When you see their tears, you should feel quite sad.

But you'll forget your morals and how you were raised,
I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways.

I take kids from parents, and parents from kids,
I turn people from God, and separate friends.

I'll take everything from you, your looks and pride,
I'll be with you always, yes, right by your side.

You'll give up everything: your family, your home,
Your friends, your money, then you'll be alone.

I'll take and take, till you have nothing to give,
When I'm finished with you, you'll be lucky to live.

If you try me, be warned - this is no game,
If given the chance, I'll drive you insane.

I'll ravish your body, I'll control your mind,
I'll own you completely, your soul will be mine.

The nightmares I'll give you while lying in bed,
The voices you'll hear, from inside your head,

The sweats, the shakes, the visions you'll see,
I want you to know, these are all gifts from me.

But then it's too late, and you'll know in your heart,
That you are mine, and we never shall part.

You'll regret that you tried me, they always do,
But you came to me, I did not come to you.

You knew this is would happen, many times you were told,
But you challenged my power, and chose to be bold.

You could have "just said no," and just walked away,
If you could live that day over, now what would you say?

I'll be your master, you will be my slave,
I'll even go with, when you go to your grave.

Now that you have met me, now what will you do?
Will you try me or not? It is all up to you.

I can bring you more misery than words can tell,
Come take my hand now, let me lead you to hell.

Could it have been me? (Squeaky Part 2)

2008-06-11T13:31:00.000-07:00

When I was 18 I met a man who was a little crazy... I'd never done certain things before I met him... I’d barely done anything before I met him... within months of meeting him I thought I was in love and had tried many new “experiences”...

I took big risks, I watched a lot of crazy movies, I had many mad thoughts...
if he and I and our friends had been just a little further over the edge... if I had taken a few more trips... could it have been me?

To any terrorists still out there...

2008-04-05T14:50:00.001-07:00

Oh, What a Beautiful Evening!!!

2008-04-05T13:05:00.000-07:00

I was lucky enough to see "Oscar Hammerstein II: The Song is You" last night at Carnegie Hall. A friend of mine is one of 'The Clurman Singers' that delightfully backed up Sutton Foster, Rosena Hill and Aaron Lazar singing Hammerstein's greatest, with wonderful anecdotes about his life told by David Charles Abell, Conductor of the NY Pops (who sounded incredible)!!!!!

If you ever have the chance to see The Pops (with or without the adorable Abell), I highly recommend it; they are glorious. =)

Why does she keep dodging this?

2008-04-01T06:40:00.000-07:00

Chelsea Clinton keeps dodging questions about her dad’s infidelity, claiming it is “none of [our] business.” I do not believe this is the case, and I’m sure I’m not alone. Slick Willy cheated, not only while he was president, but while he was actually, physically, IN the oval office!!! Instead of acting so shocked at questions regarding the Lewinsky scandal, Chelsea should acknowledge that what he did was wrong and that he and Hil Dog have moved passed it and are happy now, or something like that. (Even if no one believes it!) All this dodging is not doing her or her mother any good. But hopefully, it will help Obama!

On a more personal note, I know it must be humiliating to have the whole world know your father did something so disrespectful and tasteless, but denying it and backing away from the issue makes her seem more ashamed. She should own up to it, be proud of the fact that she and her mother haven’t done anything so tacky, and get over it (and encourage the rest of the world to do so too). I myself cannot get over it; I think Hil should have left him, but some voters might disagree.

10 Years Gone...

2008-03-30T18:32:00.000-07:00

I can't believe tomorrow will mark ten years since I lost my Jenny Bear. It will be harder than ever tomorrow, but as I do every time I'm missing her, I will try to remember the good times and be thankful for the time I had with her... I will try, as always not to mourn her death but to celebrate her life... people say that it gets easier with time, but I haven't felt that so much. Oh well... Breathe in, breathe out...

It is especially hard right now, as I am preparing for my wedding, knowing she would have been in my wedding party. I like to think of her now as my angel of honor; I know she will be there with me on my special day, celebrating with me. I talk to my fiance about her often, I know she would have loved him.

I still miss her so much and losing her is still so surreal. Your "freak" still loves you, grrrrl...

I'm really not sure how I feel about this...

2008-03-20T18:27:00.000-07:00

Last night's new "South Park" about Britney Spears was really... disturbing. It wasn't funny, but I don't think it was trying to be. It was definitely a condemnation of the people who 'handle' her but... I don't know. It really upset me, as her whole life has in the last year, but the episode, I just, I don't know how to explain it.

If you missed it, you can watch it on line, just click the link above... *sigh*

Another one bites the dust?!?

2008-03-20T06:33:00.000-07:00

Is it just impossible for a man to be a politician AND a faithful husband? I know it’s a difficult concept for men in general, but I’ve seen it happen. Please GOD don’t let there be any skeletons in the closet of the Obama marriage…

Prayer of thanks

2008-03-06T18:46:00.000-08:00

Forget everything else-- politics, movies, careers, etc. For just a moment, forget it all. I am so blessed and I just want to take a moment to thank the universe for all my gifts, most of all for the series of events which lead to me finding my soul mate (no matter how cheesy it sounds). I am so incredibly lucky to have my boy, my partner, my puppy's daddy! ;) He is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I'd be lost without him, but with him, I am life, I am joy, I am found. I AM BLESSED. So thanks...

No matter what else happens or how crazy things (i) get, I promise to always be grateful for the incredible gift that is my fiancé…

Do the right thing!

2008-03-04T10:10:00.000-08:00

I really hope no one I know is voting for 'Hil Dog' today. I don't think I even stand looking at her face for four more years!!!

Credit where credit is due.

2008-03-03T17:12:00.000-08:00

Gotta thank my dad for his comment on "Juno." And he brings up a good point about parenting; sometimes the best thing parents can do is just not throw their kids out! But seriously, just loving them and putting up with them when they're going through weird, quirky or rebellious phases is so huge. In her Oscar acceptance speech, Diablo Cody thanked her family for loving her "just the way I am." That’s the best thing a parent can do. Like the quote below that Juno’s dad says to her.

My dad has always been great at that too—he’s always loved me no matter what color lipstick I wear, no matter how punky my wardrobe might be (he always says I'd look pretty, even in a burlap sack), no matter who I hang out with—I always know my dad loves me and is proud of me. He never judges me or makes me feel bad about myself. Whatever mistakes I might make, all he ever cares about is that I am happy and good to people. Whenever I made a stupid mistake like getting into a fender bender or spending a little more than I should, he always forgives me and says something like, “So you did something dumb? Well, you won’t do it again. You didn’t do anything cruel…”

Thanks, Daddy.

Totally Boss

2008-03-01T19:42:00.000-08:00

Saw “Juno” again tonight. Loved it even more the second time around. Psyched to say the fiancé loved it too! It makes me so happy when he loves things I love; after all, “He is the cheese to my macaroni.” I think it’s official… I have baby fever! =D No, I can wait a bit longer. Lord knows we've got to get a bigger apartment first. But I am so excited for us to be parents; I swear we are going to rock so hard!!! Seriously, we talk about it all the time.

I am also reminded what a wonderful, glorious, magical thing adoption can be. I can’t wait for us to have a baby of our own, but if for some reason we can’t, I know we will find people out there who want us to take care of their little one as much as we want to take care of him or her.

"You are sheep among wolves. Be wise as serpents, yet innocent as doves."

2008-02-29T15:40:00.000-08:00

Another film that broke my heart… in a totally different way. But it did push the same maternal buttons in me; the people on this earth that have children should never forget how lucky they are, and treat their little angels accordingly. And those that don't, well, they don't deserve any blessings at all.

Detective Remy Bressant (the incredible Ed Harris): There's a guy pumping up in an apartment up in Columbia Point. . . The old lady's beat to shit, the husband's mean, cracked out. . .Rats, roaches, all over the place. But the kid's room, in the back, was spotless. No, I mean, he swept it, mopped it; it was immaculate. The little boy's sitting on the bed, holding onto his Playstation for dear life. There's no expression on his face, tears streaming down. He wants to tell me he just learned his multiplication tables. I mean, the father's got him in this crack den, subsisting on Twinkies and ass-whippings, and this little boy just wants someone to tell him that he's doing a good job. You're worried what's Catholic? I mean, kids forgive. Kids don't judge. Kids turn the other cheek. What do they get for it? . . .You gotta take a side. You molest a child, you beat a child, you're not on my side. If you see me coming, you better run, because I am gonna lay you the fuck down! Easy.

More Juno talk

2008-02-26T11:03:00.000-08:00

In case anyone was wondering why I questioned my love for ‘JUNO’ it is because while the performances are wonderful and I love the message of the film (see previous post), I know it’s not a perfect movie. I recently discussed its (FEW!) flaws with ‘The Fink’:

Me: Did you not like Juno??? =(

Fink: I really didn't. . .I just felt it was so self-conscious and precious and everyone spoke in the same voice. My problem was mostly with the script, not the performances

Me: I thought that at first, but then I felt like it got real. Like the whole thing with Mark turning out to be a prick but Juno still wanting to give Vanessa the baby seemed more real (the note that she ended up framing KILLED ME!). I think the too-cool-for-school dialogue was just a hook to get people laughing and reel them in so they weren't put off by the mushy stuff right away. I just loved the pro-parents, pro-love, pro-adoption message.
And this bit really killed me:
“Juno MacGuff: I'm losing my faith in humanity.
Mac MacGuff: Think you can narrow it down for me?
Juno MacGuff: I guess I wonder sometimes if people ever stay together for good.
Mac MacGuff: You mean like couples?
Juno MacGuff: Yeah, like people in love. . . I just need to know if it's possible for two people to stay happy together forever, or at least for a few years.
Mac MacGuff: It's not easy, that's for sure. Now, I may not have the best track record in the world, but I have been with your stepmother for 10 years now and I'm proud to say that we're very happy. In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.”

Fink: I can see that, but for me it had the opposite effect and I was done about 20 minutes in. Like I said, I liked the performances- I'd watch Michael Cera read a cereal box. I just didn't love it.

Me: *sigh.* ok. I'm sad, but I hear ya. OMG- did you see the promos for the movie with just Michael Cera and Jason Bateman sitting next to each other shootin' the shit? HILARIOUS!!!

Fink: They are hilarious.... I love the two of them together. Arrested Development is one of the greatest TV shows ever.

Me: YES YES YES!!! I hope the rumors about a movie are true!!!!!!!!

The ‘JUNO’ phenomenon

2008-02-26T07:12:00.000-08:00

I’ve been talking about ‘JUNO’ a lot lately, “honest to blog.” ;) I am dragging my fiancé to it this weekend. I have told my parents they MUST see it this week. I’m quoting it on my friends’ Facebook ‘walls.’ Just visiting the official site makes me cry and I’ve YouTubed just about every interview with Page, Cody, and all the promotional bits starring Cera & Bateman. (Yes I am officially an internet whore.) I’ve even been singing the praises of Garner, who I’ve hated in every other t.v. show/movie I’ve seen her in; I don’t know if becoming a mother, working with Reitman, or just finally playing closer to her real type did the trick, but she is WONDEFUL in ‘JUNO.’ (And of course, one of the main reasons I saw the movie in the first place is because the forever fierce Allison Janney is in it.)

So why do I love this movie so much? Some who know me might be tempted to interject here that I love lots of movies. And it’s true, I do. I hope to be in more some day. And this is hardly the first time I’ve touted a film as a “must-see.” Don’t believe me? Just search my previous posts and you’ll find reviews or plugs for at least a half a dozen other films. But most films that wow me only compel me to blog and talk about them for about a day and then they slide to one of the back burners of my mind. ‘JUNO’ has not.

Not since ‘MAGNOLIA’ has a film really touched me to the point of dancing in the streets afterwards. Not in exactly the same way, mind you: the two friends of mine who were with me when I saw P.T. Anderson’s ’99 epic may remember me almost throttling a woman who dared to walk out 90 minutes in, and shouting to the NYC universe that P.T. is a prophet afterwards. After seeing ‘JUNO’ in L.A. last week, I merely called my fiancé to gush about how much I can’t wait to have children with him while jumping around the fountain at The Grove, all teary and bleary.

What these two very different films both represent to me are great examples of how I believe people should learn to treat each other, how easy it is to abuse each other instead of taking the risk of getting hurt and trusting and loving. They are also both condemnations of bad parenting and unfaithful spouses, they both hail good parents as the ultimate salvation of joy and life, and they both see the beauty and innocence of children as the most precious and valuable gift we have.
So maybe I answered my own question. Maybe I love the film so much because I am about to marry my best friend and can’t wait to have a baby of my own. In any case, again, I highly recommend it. =)

Have you seen it yet?

2008-02-25T07:31:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure if there's ever been a film that warmed my heart, made me laugh as much as I cried, made me hope and yearn and love quite like "Juno." The writing is wonderful (yay Diablo Cody for winning the Best Screenplay Oscar!) and the cast is truly superb; not a weak performance in the bunch. If you haven't seen it yet, DO. If you already have, see it again. I sure will... =)

Please Watch Before You Vote TODAY!

2008-02-05T06:11:00.001-08:00

I love when underdogs win... =)

2008-02-04T06:47:00.000-08:00

A Question of Morals?

2008-01-31T07:25:00.000-08:00

I never thought I’d agree so vehemently with the NY Post, but I guess there’s a first time for everything:

“NEW YORK (AP) — The New York Post endorsed Sen. Barack Obama for the Democratic presidential nomination Wednesday, calling him an "untried candidate" but a preferable alternative to the newspaper's home state senator, Hillary Rodham Clinton. Clinton and her husband, the former president, "stand for deja vu all over again — a return to the opportunistic, scandal-scarred, morally muddled years of the almost infinitely self-indulgent Clinton co-presidency," the paper wrote. . . The Post endorsed Sen. Clinton's re-election bid in 2006, calling her a "pretty good senator." But the paper took a sharply different tone when weighing her prospects as a presidential candidate.
"A return to Senator Clinton's cattle-futures deal, Travelgate, Whitewater, Filegate, the Lincoln Bedroom Fire Sale, Pardongate — and the inevitable replay of the Monica Mess? No, thank you," the paper wrote.
Obama "has the ability to inspire," the paper added.”

I am truly an Obama girl, as you can tell from previous posts, and pretty much since I turned 18 I’ve been a staunch Democrat. But I guess since I’ve gotten older I’ve gotten a little more conservative… or maybe my moral compass has just gotten stronger. Either way, if it comes down to Hillary or McCain, I’ll be voting Republican for the first time in my life.

Applause

2008-01-29T20:40:00.000-08:00

"You embrace that which defines you."
-Dane Cook's mother, to him, before she passed.
(the dedication at the end of his last TV special)

What great advice; no wonder he has the courage to do stand-up before tens of thousands of people. I know few who have more love coming at them than him, maybe most of all because (like a good boy), he took him mother's advice...

Rock on, man! ;) Thanks for making me laugh... especially when I wanted to cry.

And I thought I admired him before...

2008-01-28T06:21:00.000-08:00

"I hope you don't mind if I speak about this. I feel very unsettled at the moment... and I suppose it's because I only just saw the news about Heath Ledger's death. . .It seems somehow strange to be talking about anything else. Not that there's anything to say really except to express one's regret and to say from the bottom of one's heart to his family and to his friends that I'm sorry for their trouble. I didn't know him, I have a strong impression I would have liked him very much." -Daniel Day-Lewis to Oprah 1/24/08

“For as long as I can remember, the thing that gave me a sense of wonderment, of renewal, the thing that teased me with the question ’How is such a thing possible’ and then dared you go back into the arena one more time has always been the work of other actors. . .There are many actors in this room tonight including my fellow nominees who’ve given me that sense of regeneration. Heath Ledger gave it to me. . .In ’Monster’s Ball’ that character that he created seemed to be almost like an unformed being, retreating from themselves, retreating from his father, from his life, even retreating from us. . .And yet we wanted to follow him, and we were scared to. It was unique. . .In ’Brokeback Mountain’ he was unique, he was perfect. That scene in the trailer at the end of the film is as moving as anything I’ve ever seen. I’d like to dedicate this to him.” –Daniel Day-Lewis accepting his best leading actor SAG award 1/27/08

I think (especially in this business), it takes a truly genuine, truly honorable person to pay tribute to another artist in a way that no one could ever mistake as anything other than a heartfelt outpouring of respect and grief. Thank you Mr. Day-Lewis for expressing what the rest of us who are saddened and moved by Ledger’s passing could not articulate.

R.I.P. Heath

2008-01-23T06:52:00.001-08:00

From CNN.com:
"At the time of his death, Ledger had just finished playing the villain The Joker in "The Dark Knight," the latest installment in the Batman series. The film is to open in July.

The role disturbed him, according to The Associated Press. He called The Joker a "psychopathic, mass-murdering, schizophrenic clown with zero empathy."

"Last week, I probably slept an average of two hours a night," Ledger told The New York Times. "I couldn't stop thinking. My body was exhausted, and my mind was still going."

He said prescription sleeping pills didn't help, according to AP.

"It was a very great challenge for Heath," director Christopher Nolan told AP. "He's extremely original, extremely frightening, tremendously edgy. A very young character, a very anarchic presence that taps into a lot of our basic fears and panic." "

I'm not blaming acting or the movie for this beautiful young man's death, but I know how easy it is to go a little crazy when you're playing a crazy person and let the madness of the fiction of a role keep you up at night... I hope he can find peace now.

My heart goes out to his family, especially his little girl.

Maybe no one is irredeemable.

2008-01-19T20:25:00.000-08:00

I Dare To Hope...

2008-01-04T14:06:00.000-08:00

And awe-inspiring speech. You can watch it all here, or just read my favorite quote:

“. . .we’ve been teased, even derided for talking about hope. But we always knew that hope is not blind optimism, it’s not ignoring the enormity of the task ahead, or the roadblocks that stand in our path. . .hope is that thing inside us that insists, despite all the evidence to the contrary, that something better awaits us, if we have the courage to reach for it and to work for it and to fight for it.” -Barack Obama

If we don't learn from history, we are bound to repeat it.

2007-12-11T11:07:00.000-08:00

Another shooting spree by a troubled young man: the second in as many weeks. While both Robert Hawkins, 19 and Matthew Murray, 24 shared similarities to Columbine killers Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, Murray actually quoted the boys in internet posts before shooting several people in Colorado this past Sunday. And just 8 months ago, Seung-Hui Cho wrecked havoc on the innocent students of Virginia Tech.

When news first broke of Robert Hawkins’ murders in Omaha, I was sitting at a bar with my aunt. The details we saw on the TV above us were still sketchy, but we turned to each other, both guessing it was a young man under 30. How tragic is it that we guessed that so easily? Why are we as a society continuing to ignore the warning signs in our troubled youth? Why is it still so easy for emotionally disturbed people to get guns? Why do so many people not care enough to do something to stop people that are obviously on a path to destruction?

A former acquaintance of Murray told CNN that Murray scared fellow workers and complained of voices in his head; he was obviously disturbed. The man said when he heard of the shootings, he turned to his wife and guessed correctly that Murray was the perpetrator.

I’m sure there were many people, who knew all these young men, who were not surprised to hear they had committed horrible acts of violence. So why, if you’re not surprised, couldn’t you have guessed it was coming and done something to prevent it? Why don’t we do more to help those in need?

As I said before, I’ve worked at group homes/shelters for disturbed and abused children/teens. Those kids were watched 24 hours a day and given proper medical treatment. And yet what happens when they turn 18? When they can do the most harm to themselves and others? Barely a thing. Why do people stop caring?

I can just hear people saying things like, “he wasn’t my problem, I wasn’t his parent” or “the schools should have done more.” How would they feel if they had to use that excuse in the face of the victim’s families? How do you say to a mother who lost her child at Columbine High School, “I’m sorry I didn’t do more to help your daughter, but it wasn’t my problem.” How can people not see that sometimes the people closest to kids are letting them down and others need to step in?

WHY AREN’T WE DOING MORE TO STOP THIS?!?!?

Happy Veterans Day

2007-11-11T20:17:00.001-08:00

No matter what you believe about this war, no matter how much you support our government, you should support our troops, past and present. The men and women who fight for our country deserve our respect and gratitude, now more than ever...

LT. WEINBERG: "Why do you like them so much?

LT. CDR. GALLOWAY: "Because they stand upon a wall and say, 'Nothing's going to hurt you tonight, not on my watch.' "

-"A Few Good Men" by Aaron Sorkin

"I'm becoming my mother..."

2007-11-08T10:46:00.000-08:00

“In the midst of confrontation, [my mother] found clarity. She expressed regret that she had to ask me to deal with the basic question of my life at such a young age. And then she asked it:
"Is what you want for yourself? To become someone very different than me?"
. . .Your acceptance, while it would thrill me, will not define me. My identity rests firmly and happily on one fact: I am my mother's daughter.”
-"Spanglish"

I just saw this movie, and although it has some wonderful performances, I found the direction very forced, the cinematography too pushy, and the music too obvious.

But I loved the mother-daughter relationships in it. I loved the idea that every woman has to face the decision of whether she will (in most ways) become her mother, or work hard to be everything her mother is not.

I am definitely becoming my mother… and that’s o.k. with me…

"The best show you aren't watching"

2007-11-04T16:38:00.000-08:00

You don’t have to know anything about football to enjoy the t.v. show, “Friday Night Lights.” In fact, you don’t even have to LIKE football to love the show. The writing is wonderfully honest, funny and poignant, the acting is superb and the production values are excellent. And yet somehow the ratings still aren’t high. Check it out. Season 1 is out on DVD now and new episodes are on Friday nights at 9 on NBC, plus you can watch episodes online- just click the link above. If you know me and live in NYC, I have all the new episodes saved on my DVR and love watching them again. ;) Seriously, watch it- it’s one of the top 3 shows on t.v. right now, if not THE best and it will definitely make my top 10 list of best shows of all time. I promise, you won't be sorry if you tune in.

READ THIS BOOK

2007-10-21T11:15:00.000-07:00

PLAINSONG by Haruf (sometimes listed as Keith, sometimes as Kent), is a gorgeous book about the glory of the human spirit and the simple beauty of small town life. It restored my faith in humanity, which is hard to do for someone who has been living in NYC for years and been angered by the ugliness of it, as I have. It also made me want to move out of this city, more than ever... or at least to a quieter neighborhood. I don't think I could say it better than the New York Times: "So delicate and lovely. . .it has the power to exhault the reader." Experience it, as soon as you can, and let me know your thoughts. Thanks...

REMEMBER

2007-10-06T20:48:00.000-07:00

Didn’t need a movie to tell me who Bobby Kennedy was, that he was a great man, or that he was shot at The Ambassador Hotel, on June 5th, 1968. But “Bobby,” an homage and labor of love by Emilio Estevez was an important reminder of what a politician, a public servant, a GOOD MAN can be. We hardly have any people like him in politics these days. Bobby inspired, lifted up, guided so many… and his death killed the spirit of many. Emilio said that it seemed as though Bobby’s death was the beginning of the end of decency and humanity in this country, not only in politics, but in our culture in general, and I think he has a point.

I just hope we never stop trying to bring it back.

We miss you, Bobby…

“When you teach a man to hate and fear his brother, when you teach that he is a lesser man because of his color or his beliefs or the policies he pursues, when you teach that those who differ from you threaten your freedom or your job or your family, then you also learn to confront others not as fellow citizens but as enemies, to be met not with cooperation but with conquest; to be subjugated and mastered. We learn, at the last, to look at our brothers as aliens, men with whom we share a city, but not a community; men bound to us in common dwelling, but not in common effort. We learn to share only a common fear, only a common desire to retreat from each other, only a common impulse to meet disagreement with force. For all this, there are no final answers. Yet we know what we must do. It is to achieve true justice among our fellow citizens. The question is not what programs we should seek to enact. The question is whether we can find in our own midst and in our own hearts that leadership of humane purpose that will recognize the terrible truths of our existence. We must admit the vanity of our false distinctions among men and learn to find our own advancement in the search for the advancement of others. We must admit in ourselves that our own children's future cannot be built on the misfortunes of others. We must recognize that this short life can neither be ennobled nor enriched by hatred or revenge. Our lives on this planet are too short and the work to be done too great to let this spirit flourish any longer in our land. Of course we cannot vanquish it with a program, nor with a resolution. But we can perhaps remember, if only for a time, that those who live with us are our brothers, that they share with us the same short moment of life; that they seek, as do we, nothing but the chance to live out their lives in purpose and in happiness, winning what satisfaction and fulfillment they can. Surely, this bond of common faith, this bond of common goal, can begin to teach us something. Surely, we can learn, at least, to look at those around us as fellow men, and surely we can begin to work a little harder to bind up the wounds among us and to become in our own hearts brothers and countrymen once again.”
-Robert F. Kennedy

Today is the Day

2007-09-20T05:14:00.000-07:00

Dear S,

Last Friday's initial victory for the Jena 6 made it clear that the growing, national awareness about what's happening in Jena is making a difference. But the fight is just beginning. You can help make sure the word continues to spread by attending or hosting a vigil or rally in your community on September 19th or 20th.
Click below to find or create one, near you:

http://colorofchange.org/jena/event_find.html?id=2288-226586

The 3rd Circuit Court of Appeals in Louisiana surprised everyone on Friday when it ruled that Mychal Bell shouldn't have been tried as an adult and nullified his conviction. It's a huge win, but the fight is not over. District Attorney Walters is appealing to the state Supreme Court, and if that fails, he'll almost certainly try Mychal and the others as juveniles.

Most people believe that the court's decision to move so quickly was a direct result of hundreds of thousands of voices speaking out and bringing pressure at all levels of the state. That's why it's critical that we keep building awareness and focusing national attention on the injustice unfolding in Jena.

Rallies and vigils are a great way to introduce others to this issue locally, in addition to being educational and personally fulfilling. Even a dozen people gathering on an issue will usually get the attention of local press, especially when it connects to a national story as it does in this case. If a rally or vigil doesn't yet exist in your community, create one. It's easy. We'll give you the materials you need and suggestions on how to make it a success.

National day of action

The rallies, vigils and other activities of the national day of action are planned to coincide with the rally in Jena. We're also giving people a way to download flyers to post in their communities and make phone calls into state officials on the 20th. Learn more and sign up for other activities, here:

http://colorofchange.org/jena/action.html?id=2288-226586

Thank you again for standing up and using your voice to defend these young men. We hope that you'll find a way to step things up further this week in your community, in Jena, or wherever you'll be.

Thank You and Peace,

-- James, Van, Gabriel, Clarissa, Mervyn, and the rest of the ColorOfChange.org team

2007-09-04T18:58:00.000-07:00

Paul Edgecomb: On the day of my judgment, when I stand before God, and He asks me why did I kill one of his true miracles, what am I gonna say? That is was my job? My job?

John Coffey: You tell God the Father it was a kindness you done. I know you hurtin' and worryin', I can feel it on you, but you oughta quit on it now. Because I want it over and done. I do. I'm tired, boss. Tired of bein' on the road, lonely as a sparrow in the rain. Tired of not ever having me a buddy to be with, or tell me where we's coming from or going to, or why. Mostly I'm tired of people being ugly to each other. I'm tired of all the pain I feel and hear in the world everyday. There's too much of it. It's like pieces of glass in my head all the time. Can you understand?

Paul Edgecomb: Yes, John. I think I can.

-"The Green Mile"

WE WON!!!

2007-08-10T07:52:00.000-07:00

I can't think of a better present to get on my birthday. =)

>From: "Garden State Equality"
>Subject: School board reverses itself and allows The Laramie Project!
>Date: Fri, 10 Aug 2007 11:51:42 GMT
>
>Dear Friend,
>
>Ocean Township High School has reversed itself and will now
>allow The Laramie Project to be produced at school this fall.
>See today's Asbury Park press article, below.
>
>This is a major victory for the thousands of people who
>participated in Garden State Equality's campaign, including you.
>All of us at Garden State Equality thank you from the heart.
>
>Time and again, Garden State Equality has fought discrimination
>against the LGBTI community in New Jersey. Time and again, we
>have won. If you're proud of Garden State Equality's work,
>consider donating to us online at www.GardenStateEquality.org .
>
>Since Garden State Equality's founding in 2004, New Jersey has
>enacted 153 LGBTI civil rights laws at the state, county and
>municipal levels. That's more LGBTI civil rights laws in less
>time than in any other state -- ever in American history.
>
>And we're not going to stop, we won't rest even a moment, until
>we win real marriage equality to replace the state's failing
>civil unions law. But we need your help. Again, please think
>about donating to us online at www.GardenStateEquality.org . What
>better cause could there be than you, or someone you love? Thank
>you, again, so very much.
>
>Asbury Park Press, August 10, 2007
>
>"Laramie Project" reinstated as a school play
>
>OFFICIAL REVERSES PRIOR DECISION
>
>By Erik Larsen, Coastal Monmouth Bureau
>OCEAN TOWNSHIP — Superintendent of Schools Thomas M. Pagano on
>Thursday reversed an earlier decision and said "The Laramie
>Project" will be performed at the high school this fall, ending
>a weeklong controversy that had gay-rights groups promising to
>bring hundreds of protesters to town.
>The play — based on the true story of the murder of Matthew
>Shepard, a homosexual college student, and the aftermath — had
>initially been canceled by administrators, who said its
>provocative themes might prove a disruption to the district.
>
>In explaining his reversal Thursday, Pagano — who had said
>previously that he would not be pressured into changing his mind
>— said reaction in the community was overwhelmingly in favor of
>the play going on and that no one had expressed support for the
>initial decision.
>
>Steven Goldstein, chairman of Garden State Equality, a statewide
>gay-rights group, said the district's about-face represented one
>of the most jubilant days in the organization's history.
>
>"This victory means that the students of Ocean Township High
>School will see a play that will change their lives," Goldstein
>said. "And that will go such a long way in bringing mutual
>respect and tolerance for all people from the area. It says a
>lot about the power of the LGBT community and our allies. It is
>also a huge victory for academic freedom."
>
>Garden State Equality was preparing for a massive rally and had
>started securing tour buses for up to 500 people who were
>expected to protest at the Board of Education's Aug. 28 meeting,
>Goldstein said.
>
>News media tuned in
>
>The event would have drawn national media attention. The
>controversy had reached statewide talk radio and The New York
>Times this week. "The Jersey Guys" on 101.5 FM had managed to
>informally book Patriots Theater at the War Memorial in Trenton,
>where the governor is inaugurated, for a fall show in the event
>the play was not reinstated by the district or school board.
>
>As of Thursday, high school drama coach Bob Angelini got "The
>Laramie Project" reinstated for the first three nights in
>November and also won additional concessions from the
>superintendent.
>
>First, the play will not only be viewed by parents and community
>members over three nights but will be shown to the entire
>student body during school hours. Angelini also will — with
>individual parental permission — take the show on the road
>outside the district, under the West Park Players moniker, the
>name of the high school drama club.
>
>"We had a blunt conversation," Angelini said about a talk with
>Pagano.
>
>"I have a responsibility that supersedes all of the other issues
>to extricate the community, the (school) board, from this
>situation," a visibly shaken Pagano said Thursday in his office,
>where the decision was announced. "This really is it."
>
>Pagano, who received hate mail protesting the cancellation of
>the play from as far away as California, said it seemed like
>"the entire universe was focused on this community," adding that
>high school Principal Julia Davidow, who had made the original
>decision against putting on the show, was in agreement with him.
>Davidow was recovering from surgery and has been unavailable for
>comment this week.
>
>Angelini said Pagano called him earlier Thursday.
>
>"Pagano said something to the effect of: "This is my fault. We
>have to stop this madness,' " Angelini said. The superintendent
>then asked Angelini to meet with him at 5 p.m.
>
>The reinstatement announcement also was attended by Martin
>Lefsky, the affirmative action officer for the school district.
>Lefsky was appointed to the Monmouth County Human Relations
>Commission Monday, the day when the panel voted 13-0 with three
>abstentions to send a message to the school board urging it to
>override the administration. Lefsky abstained, given his
>conflict of interest.
>
>Angelini brought Lindsay Wagner, 25, a social worker and
>aspiring screenwriter, to the meeting. Wagner, who graduated
>from Ocean Township High School seven years ago, had been one of
>Angelini's star performers and now works with him in producing
>the plays at her alma mater.
>
>Praise for all sides
>
>School board member Michael Beson, who said he would have voted
>to override Pagano's initial decision, said misconceptions about
>the play led to the controversy. He praised the superintendent
>for his change of heart Thursday.
>
>"Tom did a great job and service to this community," Beson said.
>"I think it was a learning experience for all of us and the
>community. The superintendent did a good thing today. I'm proud
>to have him as our superintendent."
>
>Beson said when the curtain does go up on "The Laramie Project"
>Nov. 1, he will be in the audience with his 12-year-old
>daughter.
>
>"We live in a time when these discussions are more common than
>when even we grew up — it's a common thing, our own former
>governor came out of the closet, and I had to explain that to my
>kids. This is life, it's the world we live in."
>
>Richard Virgilio, 34, who lives with his partner in the
>Wanamassa section, said that as he watched the story unfold this
>week, he wondered whether they had made the right decision in
>moving to Ocean Township.
>
>"It should never have become an issue," Virgilio said. "It was
>insane it became an issue, and I'm glad the insanity is over
>with."
>
>"What this really shows me is that this is what our schools
>need, and that's tolerance," said Emily Zupkus, 19, a psychology
>major at Ramapo College of New Jersey, who graduated from Ocean
>Township High in 2006. She worked with Angelini in the West Park
>Players and said she was appalled when the controversy erupted.
>
>"It's really great that they decided to listen . . . That's
>awesome," she said.
>
>--------------------------------------------------
>
>To help make Garden State Equality's work possible, you may
>contribute to online at www.GardenStateEquality.org
>
>http://eqfed.org/join-forward.html?domain=gse&r=Od2Aza41yONd

Fighting the Good Fight

2007-08-08T07:39:00.000-07:00

I recently received a copy of a letter and was asked to pass it on and sign a petition, encouraging its sentiments:

THE MAGNUS HIRSCHFELD CENTER FOR HUMAN RIGHTS
109 NORTH FULLERTON AVENUE
MONTCLAIR, NEW JERSEY 07042
(862) 823-1767 HUMANRIGHTS@POST.COM

WILLIAM A. COURSON, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR

August 4, 2007

Julia Davidow, Principal
Ocean Township High School
550 West Park Avenue
Oakhurst, New Jersey 07755

RE: The Laramie Project

Dear Ms. Davidow:
I am writing to you in connection with my deep concern about your decision to prohibit the play "The Laramie Project" from being produced at Ocean Township High School this coming fall.

If ever there was a piece of theater that has educated its viewers about the need for tolerance of diversity and mutual respect, The Laramie Project is surely it. High schools all over the United States and the world, even in the most conservative and reactionary places imaginable, have produced more than 5,000 performances of the play.

People of every walk of life, race, religion, geography and ideology understand that the play has a universal message not only about combating anti-gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered hate, but all forms of xenophobia: the hatred of all who may be different.

It seems hard to believe that in this day and age anyone would be afraid to show The Laramie Project at a school here in New Jersey. I join my sentiments to those of Judy Shepherd, Matthew's mother, who has written to you in this regard. Ms. Shepherd deeply supports the efforts of your theatre director, Bob Angelini, to show The Laramie Project at West Side High School:

According to press reports, you have stated that you “do not want to draw a line between those who think homosexuality is right and those who think it is wrong.”
This play is not only about being gay: it is about being hurt for being different, whatever that difference may be. Mr. Angelini shows great courage to mount a production that raises so many emotional and personal issues.
If the foregoing quote is in fact correct, Ms. Davidow, I must ask if you are aware that in New Jersey a prohibition of discrimination on account of sexual orientation exists, and has been a part of our state’s law for well close to two decades?
Would you similarly wish to avoid drawing a line between those who think racial oppression is wrong and those racists who think it is not? Do you feel the need to be sensitive to the moral sense of racists, or anti-Semites?
The underlying sentiment appears to be identical.
Such a posture threatens not only your standing as a professional educator, but that of your institution and of your entire community. BY holding to such a line, you nourish the roots of intolerance.
I deeply hope that you and your school board will embrace a theatrical production that will initiate a discussion in your school and broader community. I also ask that you use this opportunity to facilitate discussions in your classes on intolerance and hate."

The favor of your promptest possible reply is respectfully requested. I hope that your response evinces a reconsideration of the stand you have unfortunately taken: otherwise, I and many of my colleagues will see you in person to discuss this issue at the next Ocean Township Board of Education meeting on Tuesday, August 28th.

Thank you so much for your attention.
Sincerely,

William A. Courson

cc:
The Hon. Jon Corzine, Governor
Executive Office of the Governor
PO Box 001
Trenton, NJ 08625

Lucille E. Davey, Commissioner
New Jersey Commissioner of Education
100 River View Plaza
P.O. Box 500
Trenton, NJ 08625
Urgent Via Facsimile: (609) 777-4099

GLSEN-Gay, Lesbian & Straight Educators Network
Central New Jersey Chapter
PO Box 261
Hightstown, New Jersey 08520

I forwarded on this letter as well as the link to the petition:

http://eqfed.org/campaign/laramie_project

My friend Michael responded:

Rock on! This one really hits home doesn't it? I was very happy to add my two cents. Let me know if you hear whether this principal reverses her decision. I'm going to forward this to a few hundred of my closest friends.

xo

I responded to him:

Thank you! Yes, it really hit me when I read her quote too; I started shaking!!! The play is so NOT JUST about whether you think homosexuality is wrong or not (ALTHOUGH I CANNOT BELIEVE PEOPLE IN THIS DAY AND AGE STILL GIVE IT A SECOND THOUGHT!!!) it’s about whether you think MURDER is wrong or not. And someone said, "Well high school kids are a little young to deal with these issues" to which I replied, "BUT MATTHEW SHEPHERD WAS PRACTICALLY THAT YOUNG WHEN HE DIED AND SO WERE THE ONES WHO KILLED HIM!"

It is a sad state of affairs, and in my home state of NJ! I hope we that are fighting the good fight prevail… in this and all battles against hate.

Good Night, Sweet Prince

2007-07-28T10:54:00.000-07:00

I finally finished the Harry Potter Series. I didn’t get to read it as soon as I'd have liked, due to a delayed pre-order and getting the flu, but now that it's over I am in mourning. I think I'm going to have to have to re-read the series; I LOVE IT SO MUCH!!! I am overjoyed at the happy ending for some, and mourn the tragic end of other characters. I am also sad we didn't find out what happened to Luna 19 years later—I hope she ended up married to Neville, working Hogwarts too… maybe helping Hagrid with care of magical creatures, or taking over for Trelawney? I don't know. Anyway, I loved the last book as much if not more than the previous six and am so sad there won't be many more, but I understand J.K.'s reasons and respect them tremendously. Godspeed to all the future Potters and Weasleys and R.I.P, Severus… Love always, Shannonymous

And Vick is not the only one...

2007-07-23T09:52:00.001-07:00

The music is a little much, but the images really hit home:

If you know of any incidents of animal cruelty, please report them. And to tell Nike to drop Vick, please visit:

www.hsus.org

Michael Vick is scum

2007-07-23T08:05:00.000-07:00

When my fiance told me about Michael Vick running dog fights and having the losers KILLED, I cried, I felt sick, but most of all I felt angry. Not only because this is such a HORRIBLE CRIME and completely reprehensible, but also because I'm afraid the @sshole may get away with it. How do you kill a DOG?!?!? Again as I always say, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!?!?!?!?!?" Falling Panda reported this too- check out the link above to read his take. And JustAllen really puts it well:

Knut

2007-05-02T11:24:00.000-07:00

Cutest thing ever...with the possible exception of my own puppy. I can't believe some idiots want to kill this little guy! He will probably grow up to be the nicest polar bear in history. Click the link abover for more info from Falling Panda.

Over-medicated youth

2007-05-02T11:16:00.000-07:00

This is such a sad image... DAMN RITTALIN! It is sooooo not for little kids. =(

True Tragedy...

2007-04-17T13:06:00.000-07:00

My heart goes out to all those who lost loved ones, or even came close to losing friends in the Virginia Tech massacre...

SEE THIS MOVIE!!!!!!!

2007-04-11T11:26:00.000-07:00

THIS IS THE SH*T THAT MAKES MY BLOOD BOIL!

2007-04-05T22:52:00.000-07:00

Had to repost-

So my friend Dan (who I disagree with a lot but is an intelligent, good guy) has been talking on his blog about the “un American” things Rosie O’Donnell has been saying lately and the feud she’s been having with Bill O’Reilly.

Here is some of the debate that insued:

First this guy "abouna" talks (this guy is a Catholic priest and yet, in my opinion, he is all hate and no “Christ Love”)

abouna said...
O'Reilly will make minced meat out of Rosie. The only problem with Bill is that he is trying to be kind when he says that he can't understand where all of her venemous hate is coming from.

I believe she is having a spritiual crisis because of her disgusting and unnatural life style which she just doesn't want to let go of. She is seeking approval and acceptance of she knows deep down is wrong. That is why she has such a deep seated hatered of conservatives and Christians because they refuse to approve or accept her life-style.
10:41pm

Then my friend Dan comes in:
Dan said...
Abouna, I'm going to be honest here and tell you that I don't agree with you in regards to Rosie's lifestyle.

But that's ok. I still like you and your blog and I know that while there are going to be a few areas where we disagree, there are far more things that we can agree upon, and that's why conservatives remain a force to be reckoned with. We remain united despite our differences, while those who oppose us are constantly fighting amongst themselves.

And that cuts to the heart of what we are up against when it comes to this Rosie ordeal.

Rosie is adamantly against administration/conservative policy in regards to Gay marraige and other gay related issues and because of that she dislikes the more traditional Americans who make up a large portion of the president's base, and who agree with him and the majority of Americans on those particular issues.

Becasue of this she has become blinded by the issues surounding her own lifestyle and has transformed her anger into an ideological crusade against Conservatives, Republicans and anyone else who even remotely aligns themselves with our nation or with those who harbor any kind of patriotic feelings whatsoever.

This has forced her to adopt a radical, anti-American ideology.

And yet she is only the most visible member of a group of Americans who have adopted this hurtful and misguided rhetoric.

We can not stop this type of thinking among those Americans, but we can do everything humanly possible from allowing it to be mainstreamed by a media which is often complicit in that crusade.
1:21am

Me: O.k., o.k., like I said, I disagree with some but whatever. Next comes David, whom I like A LOT:

David said...
"I believe she is having a spritiual (sic) crisis because of her disgusting and unnatural life style which she just doesn't want to let go of."

These are the kind of opinions which make the persecution of gays and lesbians acceptable and any sanctioning of physical violence or hatred of another group simply because of their innate characteristics is itself disgusting and perverted.

Like it or not, it is the Christian church (in this Country at least) which has become the focal point of this venomous hatred. Yet, they constantly whine and complain about being attacked. Maybe, if the church would be more forgiving and live up to their own teachings (remember "love thy neighbor"), they would be honored rather than reviled.

You'll get no sympathy from me as long as you continue to spew hatred yourself.
10:42 AM

Next comes this holier-than-thou Ms. Thang:

Jungle Mom said...
He did not say he hated her! He said she feels the need for approval and acceptance of a life style that nature itself proves to be inappropriate! Don't put words in peoples mouths! If you want to get mad, get mad at the real enemy that is destroying this nation. No one is condoning physical violence and why can a person state their opinion and belief only if it is leftist? Are we not allowed to have a faith in God and the teachings of the Bible? I love all mankind, but I do not approve of mine own or anyone else's sin! Whether it be hatred, adultery, robbery ,or homosexuality. If I believe the Bible to be the Word of God, which I do, I can not condone any of them, but no one calls me names for denouncing corruption!
1:25 PM

David said...
Hatred, adultery and robbery are all choices, homosexuality is not. It is no more a "choice" than being black, white, male or female.

Therefore by condemning the "behavior" you are condemning the person just for being themselves. It is an atmosphere that allows for violence and discrimination no different than Nazi Germany or the United States in the early part of this century.
10:05 AM

Anonymous said...
Homosexuality may not be a choice but engaging in homosexual behavior is a choice. Denouncing the sin is not condoning hatred, nor violence and David cannot make it so no matter how many times he repeats it.

We all have our crosses to bear. How well we bear them denotes character.
4:48 PM

David said...
Ahhh...so because, by an accident of birth, you are straight, you get to fuck but homosexuals can't. Cracker, please.

C'mon, wake the fuck up and stop covering up for your homophobic, misogynistic religion. What is a true human "sin" is hatred of an entire segment of the population, not because of their behavior, but because of their genetic makeup.

Such attitudes have led to tremendous suffering throughout human history and is the main reason for the sinful and evil persecution of homosexuals today, which you and other so-called "Christians" are complicit in.

What would Jesus do? He would spend a lot more time in West Hollywood than you do, tell homosexuals that god loves them as much as he loves him and encourage them to seek the word of god to guide them in their lives.

What would he not do? Condemn them as sinners. You and your ilk are really no better than the high Jewish priests that Jesus fought against back in the day.

Get off your high horse already, it's tiresome and destructive.
1:02 PM

I could barely finish reading before I pounded out:

Shannonymous said...
HERE HERE, DAVID!!!!!!!!! abouna, you and "jungle mom" need to realize the true love of God is for all his children; TRUE CHRISTIANITY, and the true, pure nature of ANY religion is to love people and accept their differences, not condemn them. TWO ADULTS LOVING EACH OTHER IS NEVER A SIN IN THE EYES OF GOD. God loves when people care for each other and show affection in a physical way, whether it be two men, two women, or any combination, as long as they are all consenting adults. Anyone who thinks otherwise is truly unholy and unGod-like and God frowns upon those people.

Those who label, condemn, ostracize and shame are the ones that are full of hate and self-loathing. Those who shun people that are different from them, and say their lifestyle is the only correct lifestyle are the ones that need to change their ways. People like that (abouna & jungle mom) are truly the ones “seeking approval and acceptance of what. . .deep down is wrong.” And the reason they lash out at those unlike them is to try and make themselves feel better/distract from their own close-mindedness and fear of the unknown.

And don’t point to the Bible to back you up. It is a beautiful piece of literature, but not everything in it should not be taken LITERALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean, selling one’s daughter into slavery is sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. But would you do it, jungle mom?!?!? Exodus 35:2 clearly says that people should be put to death for working on the sabbath, but millions of businesses are open on that day every week and you don’t kill their workers, do you abouna?!?!?. Oh, and touching a pig’s skin makes one unclean says Leviticus 11:7. “If they promise to wear gloves, can the Washington Redskins still play football? Does the whole town really have to be together to stone my brother John for planting different crops side by side? Can I burn my mother in a small family gathering for wearing garments made from two different threads? Think about those questions, would you?” -Aaron Sorkin

Technology, society, science, commerce, human behavior has evolved… why can’t you?!?
10:50 PM

In honor of m' da

2007-03-23T18:06:00.000-07:00

My father taught me this song when I was a wee lass and introduced me to the film soon after. He is ill now and I'm hoping all that fighting he did back in Catholic school has prepared him for this fight; he's got to get well so we can dance to this song at my wedding. I love ya, Da...

Oh Baby Baby...

2007-03-10T13:42:00.000-08:00

I’ve never been a big fan of B.S. I’ve always thought she gave blonde Southern women a bad name (as if they didn’t have to do enough damage control). She’s clearly about as smart as Jessica Simpson and has about as much talent; sure they are (were) both hot and can dance, but that’s about it.

That being said, lately, my heart goes out to Brit. What she is going through is truly sad and should not be mocked. I mean, she started hanging out with Paris Hilton, which is always a clear sign that a person is circling the drain. Then she shaved her head, in public… which, for a girl like B, is about as big a cry for help as you can get, short of actually attempting suicide.

The girl has clearly had a meltdown, and to make matters worse, she’s the mother of two.

My grandmother had a nervous breakdown when she was a young, single mother of two and had to leave my mother and uncle in the care of their grandparents while she went for a hospital stay. But she didn’t have to do it in front of the entire country.

I had a similar experience, less privately, but luckily I was unmarried and childless at the time. It is never fun to hit rock bottom, for whatever reason; losing touch with reality, feeling ultimate desperation, acting in crazy ways that no one understands, including you? None of these are experiences I’d recommend. But sometimes they are what a person has to go through to finally wake up and change for the better. But such a transformation needs understanding, friendship, and love. Not flashbulbs and magazine covers.

So Brit, I feel ya, girl—I know how hard it is… I truly hope you are able to get through this and get better soon.

And speaking of Hilton...

2007-03-10T10:38:00.000-08:00

The Hiltons or some other wealthy hotel owners should step up and give free temporary housing to the victims of this fire who survived. They should've done so with the hurricane victims too. Lord knows they've got money to burn (pun intended), I mean just look at all the crap Paris has. Her family's money should do some good for a change.

"The dramatic scene unfolded during New York's City's deadliest blaze in 17 years - a fire that claimed nine victims early Thursday, eight children and one adult. . .In 37 years, said fire Chief of Department Salvatore Cassano, "I can't recollect a fire where we lost eight children.'' The fire, which raged for two hours, ignited near a mattress in a ground-level bedroom, caused from an overloaded space heater, Cassano said. Authorities said 22 people, including 17 children, lived inside the one-family house that was converted into two apartments on four floors. Many were stranded on the upper floors after the basement fire raced quickly up the stairs shortly after it began around 11 p.m. Wednesday.

The dead were found throughout the house, mostly on the upper floors, with babies still in their cribs, said one fire official."

Just when I thought I couldn't love South Park anymore...

2007-03-08T10:50:00.000-08:00

I saw the episode where they call Paris Hilton out for being a spoiled, stupid, talentless whore. I am so glad I'm not the only one who believes that young girls looking up to her is a national disaster. Poor Tinkerbell!

Thanks, Listy-Loo!

2007-02-11T09:08:00.000-08:00

Thanks to my beautiful friend LL for alerting me of the existance of Lilly Allen's new hilarious (and mildly disturbing) video!

I have such a girl crush...

2007-02-07T11:07:00.000-08:00

And the fact that she was on SNL with Drew Barrymore?!?! Awesome...

"Marvin's Room" (see this film!)

2007-02-06T14:07:00.000-08:00

Another one that has A LOT to teach us about life... and love...

Again I have to ask…

2007-02-03T20:12:00.000-08:00

WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!?! It is truly terrifying to me how many dead babies have been found in and around NYC recently. How is it that with all the charity and technology in this country there are still so many people careless enough to accidentally get pregnant because they don’t use any birth control, scared enough that they don’t choose adoption or abortion rather than have an unwanted baby, or sick enough to think that murder is the only thing they can do with their child once it is born?!?!? I cannot fucking believe the audacity and lunacy of people.

I am currently lucky enough to take part in a group workshop concerning the care of toddlers for a month, free of charge. One of the things we talked about last Wednesday was food: how picky toddlers can be, how hard it is to get them to eat what they should, where and when they should, etc. The teacher/group leader stopped us all cold at one point to mention how many people on this earth would be so grateful just to have a bowl of rice; she reminded us how many starving children there are on this planet, and how lucky we are to have the luxury of letting children be fussy. It was all I could do to stop from breaking down, thinking of the headlines I’ve seen recently. It took all the strength I had to fight back the tears, remembering a woman I saw on NY1 speaking of how heartbroken she had been when her baby daughter had died last year… and how enraged she was to hear that another mother had murdered a child in the same apartment building.

I know there is a lot of poverty in NYC. I know times can seem desperate for many young parents. But there are also many people who cannot have children of their own and would happily adopt a baby. Hell, even if there weren’t, there are protective services for children that could be a lot worse.

I just don’t understand it. I hold a baby in my arms five days a week. I feel truly blessed to have the honor of taking care of her. And don’t even get me started on how excited I am to have my own kids someday, the joy I will feel when I bear or adopt them…

I just don’t understand how so many precious infants are being found dead within minutes of where I lay my head down at night… I can’t wrap my mind around it…

R.I.P. "Assassins"

2006-12-03T18:14:00.000-08:00

Another show over. I miss the cast so much already. Playing Lynette was such a journey for me, as anyone who has been reading this blog knows. And while I will miss doing “Assassins” to know end, it is somehow a little easier to let this one go, because I am so proud of myself and everyone involved; some shows I am so devastated to have end because there was still something I hadn’t managed to achieve, or I felt someone(s) involved could have done better. Not this one. Everyone put all their heart and soul and talent into this show and I am so grateful for that. We hit every note, both musically and emotionally. We reached the highest heights we could. We all did the best we could and that was more than good enough, that was brilliant. I will never forget this experience. I love everyone so much! Thank you…
-‘Squeak’ ;)

What'd You Call Me?!?!

2006-11-21T06:03:00.000-08:00

Here we go again. Another celebrity having a racist rant and then saying, “Oh! I didn’t mean it! I was just drunk! That wasn’t me!” Only this time, I don’t think Michael Richards is even admitting he was messed up on something, which he clearly seems to be on the footage I viewed.

O.k., so sometimes people do say stuff they don’t mean when they’re drunk, like, “No mom, I wasn’t drinking,” or “I’m looking for a serious relationship; I would really love to go to your place so we can TALK.” But racist rants? Anger-fueled insults? Those are rarely lies. Those usually have at least a core, a kernel, of truth.

I’ve been angry and drunk (occasionally at the same time! ;), and I have found myself wanting to insult someone. Once or twice a racist remark might cross my mind, because I think of what someone else might say or what I heard someone utter in a film. THAT is anger; THAT is confusion. But racism is saying it out loud and meaning it. Racism is knowing what words will truly hurt and enrage a certain person or group because of their historical connotations and saying those words anyway. Racism is loading up your gun with the most hateful ammunition… and then shooting.

A popular song from a musical I know is “Everyone’s a Little Bit Racist,” which satirizes the sad truth that no one is immune to stereotypes and it is almost impossible for someone to be truly colorblind. But the difference between being slightly prejudiced and being a downright bigot, in my opinion, is one’s actions and words.

I am not a racist. Therefore words like those used by Mel Gibson to the LAPD and Michael Richards at the Laugh Factory WOULD NEVER COME FROM MY MOUTH. They COULD never come from my mouth. No matter how drunk or angry I could ever be, it just wouldn’t happen. I mean, let’s face it: when I’m drunk I’m much MORE honest and uncensored than when I’m sober—my truest thoughts and desires pour from my mouth, sometimes uncontrollably. I think this is true for most people, whether they like to admit it or not, or unless they are using specific lies to achieve a specific goal. Hateful, racist remarks like the ones these two men made are not in my heart, so I could never say them, therefore I just don’t buy the excuse that they could come out of anyone’s mouth that didn’t mean them, at least a little, in the deepest, darkest part of their souls.

So since these men are, in my opinion, racist, why not admit it and try to change? They have plenty of protection and all the money they’ll ever need. (Hell, they have all the money most small countries would ever need!) So instead of saying, “I’m not a racist, I didn’t mean it!” why not send a great message and maybe even set an example for other people to overcome their biases, by saying, “You know what? I am a little bit racist. And that sucks. And I hate that about myself. So I’m going to get some help, some therapy and try to change.”

THAT I would believe… and respect.

Thanks

2006-11-15T21:02:00.000-08:00

“I think it’s getting to the point
Where I can be myself again
I think it’s getting to the point
Where we have almost made amends
I think it’s the getting to the point
That is the hardest part
You think I only think about you
When we’re both in the same room
You think I’m only here to witness
The remains of love exhumed
You think we’re here to play
A game of who loves more than whom
You think it’s only fair to do what’s
Best for you and you alone?
You think it’s only fair to do the same
To me when you’re not home?
I think its time to make this something that is:
More than only fair.
But I'm warning you, don't ever do
Those crazy, messed up things that you do
If you ever do
I promise you I'll be the first to crucify you
Now its time to prove that you've come back here to rebuild.
And if you call, I will answer
And if you fall, I’ll pick you up
And if you court this disaster
I’ll point you home…”

I sent out a call for help
A low call
Just under the radar
A smoke signal most wouldn’t smell, let alone see
You not only noticed the post, you felt it…
The last person I expected to,
Was the first person on the case,
And deep down in my heart
I guess I hoped that’d be the case;
I suppose deep down, I always knew:
You always knew me best--
No matter how much time had passed
I guess deep down, it happened just as I had hoped…
Without an explanation,
Without a complication,
A hand to help, to save…
To lift me out of my dark cave:
You.

We all go a little mad sometimes...

2006-11-14T12:35:00.000-08:00

This show and getting so immersed into Squeakland has messed with my head a bit. It's o.k., but I am definitely altered by the experience. I am going to have a serious problem adjusting after our final weekend (only two more shows, this Friday and Saturday)!!!!!! =( Thankfully I have a family trip for the week of Thanksgiving to distract me...

Thank you to all those that have helped me on this journey, especially Lynette herself.

"Ooh baby baby it's a wild world..."

"I've looked at life from both sides now..."

"I'm hungry
I'm dirty
I'm losing my mind
Everything's fine
I'm freezing
I'm starving
I'm bleeding death
Everything's fine..."

"Some days I just wanna up and call it quits,
I feel like I’m surrounded by a wall of bricks...
This is it, last straw, that’s all, that’s it,
[I'm not] dealing with another fucking politic...
But I’m a show you what, you're gonna feel my rush,
You don’t feel it then it must be too real to touch,
Feel to touch; I’m about to tear shit up,
Goosebumps, yeah I’m make your hair sit up,
Yeah sit up, I will tell you who I be,
I will make you hate me cause you aren’t me,
You aren’t, it isn’t to late to finally see,
What you close-minded fucks were too blind to see,
Whoever finds me, is gonna get a finders fee...
You need peace of mind, well here’s a piece of mine...
Yeah sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, just sometimes,
It's always me, how dark can these hallways be,
The clock strikes midnight, 1, 2, then half past 3..."

"Disarm you with a smile
And cut you like you want me to
Cut that little child
Inside of me and such a part of you...

The killer in me is the killer in you
My love
I send this smile over to you..."

"I can't seem to face up to the facts
I'm tense and nervous and I
Can't relax
I can't sleep 'cause my bed's on fire
Don't touch me I'm a real live wire

Psycho Killer
Qu'est-ce que c'est
fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa far better
Run run run run run run run away

You start a conversation you can't even finish it.
You're talkin' a lot, but you're not sayin' anything.
When I have nothing to say, my lips are sealed.
Say something once, why say it again?

Psycho Killer,
Qu'est-ce que c'est
fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa far better
Run run run run run run run away
Psycho Killer
Qu'est-ce que c'est
fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa far better
Run run run run run run run away

Ce que j'ai fais, ce soir la
Ce qu'elle a dit, ce soir la
Realisant mon espoir
Je me lance, vers la gloire ... OK
We are vain and we are blind
I hate people when they're not polite

Psycho Killer,
Qu'est-ce que c'est?"

"And through a fractal on that breaking wall
I see you my friend and touch your face again
Miracles will happen as we trip
But we're never gonna survive unless
We get a little crazy
Crazy are the people walking through my head
One of them has got a gun to shoot the other one...
Then maybe then maybe then maybe then maybe
Miracles will happen as we speak
No we're never gonna survive unless
We are a little crazy
In a sky full of people only some want to fly
Isn't that crazy
In a world full of people only some want to fly
Isn't that crazy
In a heaven of people there's only some want to fly
Ain't that crazy
In a world full of people there's only some want to fly
Isn't that crazy
But we're never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy
No no never survive unless we get a little bit
And then you see things
The size of which you've never known before
They'll break it
Someday
Only child know
Them things
The size
Of which you've never known before
Someday"

"Then the rainstorm came, over me
And I felt my spirit break
I had lost all of my, belief you see
And realized my mistake
But time threw a prayer, to me
And all around me became still

I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love; love is what I need to help me know my name

Through the rainstorm came sanctuary
And I felt my spirit fly
I had found all of my reality
I realize what it takes

Oh I, don't bet, don't bend, don't break (don't break?)
Show me how to live and promise me you won't forsake
Love can help me know my name..."

My response

2006-11-06T09:41:00.000-08:00

Dear Red,

Sorry I haven’t written in a while but I’ve been so busy getting the show open! Judging from your last letter, you were a bit overwhelmed with mail from me anyway. Sorry! =) We had a great response to our opening weekend! Everyone did a great job, and I don’t think anyone thought you a fool after watching my performance. Tons of people actually have asked me about you as a result, and all of them listen patiently as I educate them about you, telling them the FACTS which most had wrong or knew nothing about.

And of course you don’t squeak when you talk or wear beads, but I think we both discovered a while ago that historical accuracy wasn’t too important to the men who wrote “Assassins.” ;)

I was able to work the words you wanted me to into the show!!! Right before the bar scene, the stage is dimly lit while we set up the chairs and tables, and our director told us we could say whatever we want! So I talk about how many government officials are NOT public servants and don’t care enough about the earth, the air, the water or the animals, all of which are still being poisoned by “big business.”

For that and many reasons (mostly due to the incredible people involved), I am very proud to be playing you in this production and hope you would be too, if you could see it. I SO wish there was a way for you to at least hear the song I sing…oh well.

Thanks again for writing and I hope to hear from you again soon.

Always,
S

p.s.- a few of my friends have started to call me Squeak (not Squeaky) because of the show and also because I DO squeak sometimes when I’m excited!!! =)

4th Letter

2006-11-06T09:01:00.000-08:00

“Shannon Barry~

I got the money you sent me. Thank you.”

(I sent her a few dollars for stamps and stationary)

“I've received so many letters and cards from you its hard to answer or keep them all. You said that your costumer for the show had brought you a long dress and beads to wear and I thought that a typical image that really never suited me. Although I was wearing a below the knee nice Albert Nipon dress under my robe—(I got the dress at a consignment store)—I generally wore them at all. The 60s, of course, were a notorious time for the mini mini and I've often been seen in outfits I can’t imagine wearing now. I never wore a mu mu or empire waist dress except to bed, and I and the girls I knew at the ranch didn’t wear petchuli (sp?) oil or beads. I don’t remember EVER wearing beads, not in the Haight, not in Hollywood, certainly not at the ranch, in the desert or in the woods. I didn’t own earrings or rings. Still don’t. I guess its hard to costume me—whoever or whatever me is supposed to be for whom and what and whatever.

L. Fromme

Pronounced w/ a long O Froh-me”

3rd Letter from Squeaky

2006-10-13T13:54:00.000-07:00

(written on a card she made herself, pictured here. On the back of the card it said "Alien on Earth")

Shannon

I have two undated letters from you that I want to answer but I’ve just whacked my hand against the metal frame of my bed and really ought to get some ice.
Okay.
Phillip Shelton is the name of the man I never trusted. Maybe you didn’t get that far yet. He was the private investigator-a creepy sort. I never liked him and made no secret of it. His chapter is one of vengeance.
Yes, Rachel didn’t mean harm; it just surprised me to read what she thought she experienced and heard. If she was taking license it was in the interest of explaining my actions.
I have not heard the song you sing [in the show]. Have you got a copy of the lyrics?
Is your hair red?
You should by now have received the returned stationary and envelopes you send me and I’m sure I would have liked then because what I’ve seen of your selections, I like your taste.
Did I happen to mention that I don’t squeak when I talk or laugh? I’m just ticklish. Lyn, Lynette, Red… all those I answer to. I answer to Squeaky only to explain that nobody calls me that. Squeaky is a part of me but she came from the heart of an old man and still lives there.
Yes I did purposely leave a bullet on my apt. floor instead of in the chamber of the 45 after checking the loading mechanism (the slide). I wanted to be safe and certain. I hadn’t decided one way or another what to do about negligent pollution of air and waterways and the OCEAN which does its best to filter and clean all we put into it that does not decompose. I did not feel reckless or suicidal rather as calm and sure as faith itself. I felt like I could do nothing but use all at hand to call for attention toward Earth. I realize that the attention ended up on me in the most unflattering of ways but I do feel that between the two of us, Blue and I got a little bit done, became part of a growing concern for Earth. I know that conditions are not much better now if not worse. We can’t force people to want to live. But I could leave this planet now and not feel that I totally failed it or succeeding generations who will hold us responsible. So no, I don’t regret that.
I’ll continue on another letter.
Can you throw the words air, water and animals into the play?
Lynette

As promised: the article enclosed in Squeaky’s 2nd Letter

2006-10-13T12:02:00.000-07:00

“Owen & Mzee: Through The Viewfinder”

When I first focused my lens on the baby hippo struggling beneath a fish net in the back of a pick-up, I never anticipated what a remarkable story it would become. Back then, it seemed then to be just a curious quirk to the Asian Tsunami story, but one that would quickly disappear beneath the weight of tragedy welling up on the other side of the Indian Ocean.

But when I returned to check up on Owen a few days later for some more shots, I began to realize that the tiny mammal snuggling up to the centenarian reptile, was at the beginnings of a truly remarkable and captivating relationship. Watching the friendship develop has been a privilege of course, but it has also forced a rethink about what it all means.

Some scientists insist that we cannot and should not apply human emotions to our animal cousins. They argue that we have no way of knowing what is really going on in the minds of these two creatures. We should therefore not presume they are feeling anything remotely the way we do about our friends or family.

But seeing the bond grow between these individuals from two entirely different species and two entirely different ages, it has been hard to see it as anything other than a genuine love and affection. As with humans, it seems to be the little gestures that give it away.

Owen will often stand motionless by his guardian’s shoulder, his head tilted slightly towards Mzee’s. Occasionally, when he thinks nobody is watching, Owen will plant a sloppy lick across Mzee’s cheek; and when Owen is off exploring a corner of the forest, Mzee will wait in a clearing, staring at the bush until his friend finally emerges. The hippo also seems uncommonly protective, charging any stranger that dares venture too close to the tortoise.

Remember: Owen is a wild animal. Mzee has been around humans long enough to be tame, but the baby hippo has spent only a relatively short time in captivity. Even then it has been with very limited human contact. His behavior has not been learned from anyone other than his own family or his genes.

Perhaps that is what makes the story of Owen and Mzee so powerful; the fact that it is so unexpected. After all, every animal behavior expert we’ve spoken to is at a loss to explain it. Herpetologists tell us reptiles are purely creatures of instinct that could never respond to mammal, however affectionate it may be. Yet Mzee seems undeniably happy to have Owen around. Behavioralists say that Owen will eventually grow to understand that the old tortoise is not of his kind and go his own way. Yet every time I go out to take photographs, he seems as bonded as ever to his old friend.

Owen and Mzee have come together only because of the unusual circumstances of Owen’s separation from his family, his transfer to Haller Park, and the fact that they now share a big space to live in. But it seems to be a powerful sign that all of us – hippos and tortoises included – need the support of family and friends; it doesn’t matter if we can’t be near our own blood kin.

Then again, perhaps it doesn’t matter what Owen and Mzee are thinking. Perhaps it is enough that we humans are able to learn something simply from watching them.

-Peter Greste, Photographer

As Promised: the interview excerpt Squeaky enclosed in her 2nd Letter

2006-10-13T11:10:00.000-07:00

Interviewer Question: What was your intention when you took the gun and went out to meet President Ford?

Lynette’s Answer: It was my intention to be a voice for the Earth, to say that before all political ways of life, before class and race and gender, the earth needs to be seen and heard and fought for. The earth comes first in importance.

This was a time in history when a terrible war had just ended, when people had been in the streets all over the country protesting the wear, racial injustice, gender discrimination and poverty. I saw that underneath all these social problems, the source of all life was being destroyed. The San Jose Mountains were almost totally obscured by smog; you couldn’t see six blocks away in L.A. Workers were shown on TV with tremors due to neurological damage sustained in chemical companies after they had been assured that the stuff was safe. Their wives stood next to them weeping because the husbands had been rendered sterile. The head of the Natural Resources Department for California had announced that in Redwood Park the tallest trees on the planet—some as tall as a football field is long—were in danger of falling due to erosion caused by the over-logging of adjacent private lands.

I and many others had brought these concerns to the attention of public officials, and were often met with condescending contempt. There was a war going on for Christsake! There was political upheaval! Money and jobs were in the balance. I felt that we humans were allowing the destruction of the land which had always given us life. I felt a personal responsibility for the air, trees, water and animals.

Q: Why, in particular, President Ford?

A: In a sense he came to me. I had been feeling and increasing urgency. This wasn’t something that came on without thought—or as was later implied—a drug-induced impulse, or mental illness, or on orders from Manson. This was in response to a spiritual calling which was beyond life and considerations of death. We had already appealed to the heads of environmental groups, corporate CEO’s, an Army Corp of Engineers and generals and several judges—to no avail. Who more logically next than the head of the country?

It wasn’t Gerald Ford as an individual that I was approaching with my request or threat—whichever was necessary—but the chain of command. The very evening that I returned from San Francisco after speaking with the general, I saw President Ford on TV, getting off the plane in Sacramento. His visit was to address about 2000 area businessmen about enhancing their economic opportunities. Basically he was beginning his 1976 campaign.

Ford had never before been elected. He had been chosen for the job by President Nixon in 1973 when the Vice President, Spiro Agnew, was forced to resign after criminal wrongdoing. Then, in 1974, Nixon had resigned the presidency, also after criminal wrongdoing, and Ford had been given that job.

Q: You were convicted of attempted assassination. Was that, in fact, what you were trying to do?

A: No it wasn’t. I took the gun with me but had not decided whether to use it. I was not philosophically opposed to physical force, and had I felt it was necessary, I was prepared to use it. I had decided to proceed by perception, and standing in the crowd as the President approached, I had a sense of the faith that the people as a whole invest in their leaders, and a sense of myself as simply a member of that greater body. I also knew that after an assassination, no one sees the issues or problems leading to that act. The whole focus is upon mourning, upon the martyrdom of the slain individual.

For safety reasons I HAD NOT PUT A BULLET INTO THE CHAMBER, BUT I KNEW HOW TO DO IT. Instead I simply stepped through the crowd to the President and raised the gun to his midsection between his heart and stomach at about two feet distance. I was quickly bowled over, and I experienced the panic of the Secret Service agents as they repeatedly dove for the weapon that had already been confiscated. I felt completely calm and relieved, but I realized that in order to cause the necessary change I would need to allow business people to believe that there were people everywhere willing to give their lives and take the lives of others, if necessary, for the life of the planet. It is 25 years later, and I am still satisfied that I did the right thing.

Q: What role, if any, did [Charles Manson] play in your decision or your action?

A: Manson is the most absolute environmentalist that I’ve ever witnessed, and he had told the women around him that the Earth came before us and anything else in his list of priorities. Blue [Sandra Good] and I had been doing everything we knew to obtain visiting rights with him and, at the same time, to find a way of getting a new trial that would exonerate him. He began exhorting us in letters to quit trying to make him a good guy, to understand that people want and need a bad guy, and to use his bad reputation for some good. He said we could use his name in whatever way would be effective for the protection of the Earth. We did. But Charlie did not plan or order or even conspire with us about our activities on behalf of ATWA. He just gave us faith to do what we believed was right.

"Assassins" P.R.

2006-10-13T10:50:00.000-07:00

I was asked to write something about my process for possible p.r. for the show. Here's what I wrote (sorry if some of it is repetitive.)

I was thrilled to be cast in “Assassins” and immediately started doing research, reading books like “American Assassins: The Darker Side of Politics” and Jess Bravin’s terrific biography: “Squeaky: The Life And Times of Lynette Alice Fromme.” (Sorry, I can’t underline in my email, as those two titles should be.) But certain things I read in books and on the internet struck me as untrue somehow. Then I watched the amazing documentary “Manson” and saw tons of footage of Lynette that blew my mind: it’s amazing how lucid she seems, how passionate. The footage was taken when she was in her early 20s. With her beautiful red hair, her legs crossed like a lady, her clear ruddy complexion and her innocent eyes she proclaims, "You have to be ready [to use violence] right here right now right here!" She looks and sounds like wholesome Sandy Duncan at the same age. Next I expect her to sing, "Grey skies are gonna clear up: put on a happy face!" It’s scarily exhilarating to watch her, the way towards the end she cradles a snake like it’s a puppy and yet talks about how people should be like snakes, always ready to strike and kill. The way she talks about love I want to hug her: she giggles and smiles innocently, but then she’s holding a knife or a gun and fondling it with complete adoration and admiration, as if she’d like to make it part of her own body. I feel like I know her, and then she scares the crap out of me. I just don’t get the violence thing, maybe just because I know so little about it. I was so intrigued by her after watching the film that I felt I had to write to her, I wanted to hear her say why she did what she did, not someone else’s take on it. There is so much sweetness and light and hope and happiness in her, both in photos and even in recent clips from interviews with her, after years in jail. She talks so much about loving nature and saving the environment. Her crafts are beautiful and her smile bright. I wrote six letters before receiving a reply and have gotten two more since then. It is amazing to see the response some people have when I tell them I’m writing to Lynette; they get so freaked out. One of my friends said he didn’t even want to touch a letter from her because it was “creepy.” I talked to a cast member about her and he noted that I seem to grow increasingly fond of her. I agreed, full well knowing how sick it may seem to be fond of a woman who ordered others to kill people, and worshipped a madman. But don’t we as actors have to find empathy for the characters we play, try to understand where they’re coming from, and at least find PARTS of them we can love? I mean, I could’ve been her! I am more and more convinced the only reason I didn’t venture down her path of violence and hatred was because I have a loving and supportive mom and dad, while hers were a mouse and a monster… People forget that criminals are PEOPLE, not so different from the rest of us. I think what really scares people is realizing that we all have the potential to break the law, to do dangerous, scary things, to hurt others—we don’t want to admit it, but it’s true. When I was 18 (the age Lynette was when she met Charles Manson), I was very naïve, immature, curious and eager to please, to be accepted and make friends. I was like the poster child for the dangers of peer pressure; I did anything the “cool kids” were doing, just to try and be like them. I could’ve easily fallen into a life of crime and depravity had I not wanted to disappoint my parents. Lynette and even Manson were not so lucky. I’m not saying that the abuse they suffered excuses their actions, but it does explain a great deal. Anyway, the letters I have received from her confirmed my suspicions that she never tried to kill or even hurt anyone, she only wanted to scare people into paying attention to Manson and his environmental concerns. She wanted to show the government that there were people willing to risk their life to save the planet; all she ever really wanted people to do was stop polluting the earth and killing its animals. Just like all people, both law-abiding citizens and the other "Assassins" portrayed in the show, both the sane and insane, all she really wanted was to be heard and taken seriously.

2nd Letter from "Squeaky"

2006-10-11T11:25:00.000-07:00

“Shannon-
No. Stationary for our use isn’t allowed through the mail. We have to buy or make it. (It’s too bad because I like your little cards). And we cannot receive money here. All incoming inmate funds come to us through a central processing place in Iowa which carries our computerized accounts. The address may be on line through gov. but I don’t know. Otherwise, I’d need to send it but because you are just getting a start in an expensive big city, I’d say you need what you have. Maybe you have lived in NY for years. My father grew up in Brooklyn but he didn’t strike me as a typical New Yorker (if any types exist).
Every six months here, we must move to a different room. Security reasons. (Not our security of course.) It’s not what most of us want but it has a wake-up aspect to it. We made a move yesterday, so I’m just getting back to normal, but I wanted to answer your letters so that you wouldn’t send anything else I couldn’t have. If you sent stationary, I didn’t get it. It’s probably still in the mail room and has been set to the side along with whatever other inmate letters contained what’s called “nuisance contraband.” They don’t toss it out; they are required to send it back to you but whatever you’ve written also gets held and we may not receive it for weeks. I did get your picture letter  -both are good. I can get any type of photo except Polaroids (and porn- no nudity either) and 8x10 is the largest, although I wouldn’t ask for photos that big. We’re working w/small spaces here. I’d be glad to get photos of Blue and me and any of you and your world that you’d like to send. (I can’t own more than 25 loose photos.) The rules are picky and pecky specks that are hard to keep up with let alone remember to relate to correspondents. I need sleep now so I’ll resume this letter…”
Page 2:
“I ran across these definitions, word origins and found them worth sending ~ especially the one re: St. Audrey. Also enclosed is part or a print out re: Owen and Mzee explained in the text. Two pages of an interview of me I liked ~ done by an independent.”

(I will post all 3 at a later date- no time now, sorry folks ;)

“No one calls me Squeaky. Friends don’t anyway. Periodically someone will call me that, thinking they are on familiar terms with me but really just tipping me off that they have read about me and probably assume that they know a great deal more than they do. About my life.
I go by Lynette in here; I went by Lyn til 1968. The 83 year old blind owner of the [Spahn] ranch we lived on began calling me Squeaky when I struck up regular visits with him. He renamed almost every living thing on that ranch. He was NOT a country fellow and not shabbily dressed and not a lecher.
I’m too sleepy to continue.
Until next time,
Lynette”

And then the p.s. that made me gasp and freeze for a moment:

“P.S.- I took the bullet out of the chamber before my walk to the park.”

More to come…

Writing more...

2006-10-02T05:06:00.000-07:00

Dear Lyn,

I just mailed you a letter this morning but I had to write you again tonight. I have so many questions! But please, tell me if I ask anything you don’t want to answer- I don’t mean to pry. I just am so curious about you and your life. As I’ve said before I feel like we have so much in common…

First, do you prefer being called Lyn, Lynette, Red or Squeaky? Do you dislike being called any of those?

In your first letter, you said Bravin makes some untrue assumptions about Manson. May I ask what? Are you still in touch with Manson? Sandy? Your family?

I know I can’t send you magazines or clippings, but can I send you stationary? Pictures? I found a few old pictures of you and Sandy- you two look so beautiful together… whoever took the pictures did a wonderful job. Would you like me to send them to you?

Do you have any regrets? I bet you don’t.

I know you probably don’t want to talk about this, or can’t or shouldn’t, so feel free not to answer if you don’t want to, I will completely understand, but I have to ask: you did purposefully leave the bullet out of the chamber when you went to see “president” Ford, didn’t you? You didn’t really want to kill him, just get his attention, right?

I so look forward to hearing from you again, and sincerely hope you will continue to write me.

Writing Back

2006-10-02T05:02:00.000-07:00

Dear Lynette,
I cannot tell you how happy I was to get your letter- I was beginning to fear I wouldn’t hear back from you! I had no patience for handwriting today, I had to type, because I type so much faster than I write. First let me say that while you may think the play makes you look like a fool I CERTAINLY DO NOT THINK YOU ARE A FOOL AT ALL. And I will do my best to portray you as anything but.
I think you are right, I think Bravin wanted to do anything but trash you, I think he truly admired your ability to love and the way you see the world. I think he was trying to show how misunderstood you were, and I want to do the same.
I’m glad to hear that Rachel had it all wrong about you. She was so young when she knew you anyway, what do any of us really understand at that age? We find people to look up to, rarely knowing who they really are.
It’s amazing how people think that just because a woman is joyful, loving, sensitive, and positive, seeing the good in things and in nature, and even in others that somehow that makes her weak. I think it is the opposite. I think it takes amazing strength and courage to love and see the beauty in the world when there is so much hate and ugliness too. Without love this world would not have survived all that has happened in the past decade… and I certainly would not have. And I have to tell you, I love learning about you and playing you. Forget the dialogue for a moment, I think the song is truly beautiful and fills me with such emotion I sometimes tremble when singing it, and one time I felt like I pulled a muscle in my stomach, I felt the love and the desperation so strongly.
I will write more soon. Can I send you stationary? Did they let you keep the paper and envelopes I sent you? I would really love to get many more letters from you if you would consider writing to me more…

The letter itself

2006-09-30T21:22:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of "The Proprietor" (Thanks, T!!!!!!!!!!!)

1st Letter From Squeaky... hopefully not the last!

2006-09-29T15:37:00.000-07:00

She said "Assassins" makes her "look like a true fool." I wrote her back and assured her that I MYSELF do NOT think her a fool.

"I may've set myself up for that," she says, "but I don't celebrate it. The writers had and have very specific messages to convey. Your director will also have his take on it."

About Bravin's book she says, "Biographies are bound to be off the mark, subjects used peripherally to express a message, even more so. History is re-written every two or three decades."

And then she breaks my heart: "But I still love, and that includes respect for air, water, and the network of life on earth that keeps us alive. And I still value those things more than all the world's trading commodities. What could be more simple?" SO TRUE! That part of her has always amazed and inspired me. She then signs the letter, as if it is done, but continues on the next page. I had written to her about my dear friend who passed away (see posting "Tis Better..." from April). She writes, "I am sorry about your friend. We are fortunate to know the experience." Wise words. I imagine that maybe she is thinking about people who are incarcerated separately from her, not necessarily people who have died also.

Back to the biography, “It would be difficult for me to dissect the Bravin book in a few short paragraphs. There are parts of it that are totally wrong but I know it wasn’t his intention to trash me. (The writing, especially early on, is sappy and the reasons he gives for some things, silly). . .Bravin makes some untrue assumptions about Manson. He makes the understandable error of trying to sum up reasons for my actions based upon untrue statements from my former associates; I barely knew Rachel. I think she may believe that my dad had sex with me and she thinks she heard me suggest it, but it wasn’t even fashionable then to talk about incest, and I certainly wouldn’t entertain it. My father was emotionally abusive; he wasn’t physically abusive unless by omission. And I didn’t say he was. I wasn’t clinging to her as she says. Sorry, but that wasn’t me. I didn’t need someone to sleep with me. I’d been away from my parents’ house for over a year when I met Rachel. . .I’m not saying I was fearless and bold and experienced. I was timid about some things but proceeding cautiously with enough gumption to handle the new situations. . .I wish I could remember all the things in Brain’s book that were so offensive to me. Much of it wasn’t and I am relieved not to have to explain to anyone that I didn’t engage in bestiality or in any of the many weird activities falsely attributed to us by loose reporters.” (I love the way she casually uses “us,” assuming I know who she means, which I do.)

She then asks me to send her a picture of me, which I did this morning… I hope many more letters are to come!

!!!!!!!!

2006-09-28T20:54:00.000-07:00

She wrote me back!!!!!! I am so happy!!!!!!! More soon.

Squeaky Part 21: Squeaky at 21 Years Old

2006-09-27T18:04:00.000-07:00

More from Jeff Bravin’s astonishing biography of Squeaky:

“…Lyn was the Family’s heartbeat and its mother hen. Wherever she went, so went the center of the Family; other members came to her to recharge their faith when it ebbed, or to cool down when their tempers flared. Unlike some members of the group, whose seething disaffection or unpredictable quirks made them difficult to deal with, Lyn could move through both the straight world of police and lawyers, and the underground circles where the Family felt most at home. . .She also seemed quite a world apart from the violence with which so many members of the Family had been charged. Despite all that had happened, Lyn remained obsessed by the message of love, as if the murders were nothing but a contradictory footnote to a much grander story. She attributed them. . .”to some part of the emperor [Manson] she did not understand.” Though she sometimes tried to talk tough, she was to Fitzgerald [one of the Family’s defense lawyers] the “petal of a flower, floating around. . .a sexual little girl. A very loving little girl. . .a perpetually lost orphan,” but Fitzgerald depended on her [to help him with his defense] and since she was far from dependable, he would have to get after her. “Godammit, Squeaky, you gotta straighten out here!” he would say. . .she would just shrug her shoulders and roll her twinkling eyes. “Oh Paul, you know- that’s just me…”

I don’t think she ever really understood the violence, or took it seriously; it was as if she was in denial of the crimes and the threats. Maybe she wasn’t involved in any of the murders, not just because Charlie didn’t instruct her to be, but because she didn’t want to be a part of that ugliness. I believe she purposefully left a bullet out of the chamber of her Colt 45 when she went to threaten Ford. I believe, as she contended during her trial, that she wanted to scare him, not kill him.

As crazy as she may have been, I don’t think Squeaky was a killer…

Squeaky Part 20: The Party's Over

2006-09-25T17:58:00.000-07:00

Charles Manson’s “family” started out so peacefully, so simply; they lived, they loved, the dropped acid and admired the earth and its creatures. Charlie preached appreciation of nature and freedom of spirit to his girls. He taught them that they were beautiful, without make-up or jewelry, and that they should enjoy their bodies and others. Together, they showed how much perfectly good food and supplies the world was wasting, by living off what others threw out. They were free of most of what drives the rest of the conservative, corporate world crazy.

They had a good thing going, as far as I’m concerned! I would’ve loved to have been a part of that when it first began, when it was pure and playful, if I’d been about 18 at that time.

So how did it go SO wrong?

Well for several reasons: their secluded peaceful existence was put under strain by frequent police visits, for one thing. Cops were constantly raiding the ranch under the suspicion that the group had stolen vehicles or supplies; they couldn’t believe that people would give these “hippie freaks” gifts, or worse yet, that they had merely been discarded, free for the taking. Then, a few of the group had drug deals go badly with some unfortunate characters (Black Panthers, to be exact). And then, what I consider the most signifigant turning point: the group started taking less and less halucinagenics and more and more amphetamines. Speed and crank became prevalent in the Manson clan and mixing those drugs with mentally-imballanced and/or abused people, who see main stream society as backwards, is quite the Molotov Cocktail.

LSD makes people enter a new reality, makes them see things in a totally different way; it’s about exploring and altering perception. But uppers make people feel powerful, vengeful, confident in their rage and their ability to change things (violently if necessary).

When Bobby Beausoliel was arrested for killing a man who had sold him bad drugs (and that he sold to a few Black Panthers), the group decided in order to get him out of jail, they would have to commit copycat murders so the cops would think they had the wrong guy. “For love of brother,” they would try to throw the authorities off Bobby’s scent…

A far cry from what Bobby, Charlie and the girls were doing back in the day, just making love, tripping, sleeping, eating, and singing.

Quick break from Squeaky

2006-09-25T08:01:00.000-07:00

My new favorite quote:

About being strong but still remaining sensitive as a woman/actress:

"I think if you become too 'thick-skinned' you destroy your sensitivity as an artist." -Barbara Streisand

OH AND BY THE WAY:

2006-09-24T21:34:00.000-07:00

DON'T EAT SPINACH PEOPLE!!!!! OVER 112 HAVE GOTTEN VIOLENTLY ILL!!!!!!!!!

Squeaky Sadness...

2006-09-24T21:31:00.000-07:00

She still hasn't written me back. After 6 letters. In the last one I even enclosed stamped envelopes and paper. Maybe she's ill. I guess my next step is trying to correspond with Mary Catherine Garrison who played her in the revival and apparently corresponded with her. What did she say that I didn't? Why'd she get letters back and I didn't?

No luck in finding contact info for her yet... *sigh*

=(

Let me just take a second...

2006-09-22T20:37:00.000-07:00

I've said it before, but I need to just say it again, really quick: LIFE IS TOO SHORT. TOO MANY OF US DON'T REALLY REALIZE WHAT WE HAVE UNTIL IT IS GONE. All of you, I beg of you, LET THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE KNOW THAT YOU LOVE THEM. VALUE YOUR LIFE AND YOUR BLESSINGS. DON'T TAKE THINGS FOR GRANTED. DON'T PUT OFF UNTIL TOMORROW THE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO TODAY. And never underestimate how much someone can mean to someone else...

O.k., I'm done. Take it to heart, people. Peace out.

Squeaky: Part 19

2006-09-21T05:29:00.000-07:00

The scariest thing I've learned so far about Squeaky? I can totally understand how she fell in love with Charles Manson. I'm not talking about the off the wall grizzly bear, rotting in a jail cell today, I'm talking about the zen hippie lover she met 40 years ago. I mean first of all, look at that cowboy! And he knew how to make his women feel good, he was honest with them, and apparently terrific in bed. But most importantly, early on, he actually had some damn good ideas and philosophies about life!

One account really struck me. Charlie and the girls pick up a hitchhiker. After talking for a moment, Charlie offers to trade the guy all the money in his pocket for all the money in his own. The guy refuses repeatedly. Then Charlie asks the guy how much he has. $3.75. And Charlie? He whips out a roll of twenties, totally about a thousand dollars. Explaining why he would've made the trade, Charlie said:

"This stuff's not important. There's no security in it. The security's in you. See as long as you hang on to it like that, that's all you got."

Lyn mused later, "[People like the hitchhiker] will die clutching their high school rings, with a bank-full of money and yesterday's papers stashed in the garage- still unsatisfied. They will wonder why their life was unfulfilled, and hope to go to heaven, when they could have made a heaven right here, would that they feel the pleasure of giving."

Amen.

"Sympathy For The Devil"

2006-09-20T05:30:00.001-07:00

Squeaky asks Hinkley if he can play the song once she realizes he can play guitar in "Assassins."

I'm starting to see why.

Let's face it people: NO ONE IS BORN A MASS MURDERER.

I know I've been talking a lot about fathers being good to their daughters.

Well mothers need to be good to their sons too, obviously.

“You have to have a license to drive a car, but any asshole can have a kid.” No shit.

Manson’s mommy was a career criminal by the ripe old age of 16 when she gave birth to him. She petitioned for child support from the man she claimed was his father, but daddy never paid up. Due to her incarceration for robbery and prostitution, she was unable to care for her child and he was shipped off to her sister in West Virginia. A small child, Manson was tormented by his uncle for being weak, and forced to wear girls’ clothes to school. He ran away, back home to his mother, shortly afterwards, but she didn’t want him because her new boyfriend (pimp?) thought he was a burden. Manson was put in reform school.

There, at the age of 12, he was assaulted and raped by a gang of older boys. His first foray into crime was stealing a car to escape from this hell. He was sent back upon capture. A year later he raped a younger boy, holding a razor blade to his jugular.

CRIMINALS ARE MADE, NOT BORN, FOLKS.

Despite the fact that it’s one of my favorite movies, there’s actually no such thing as “Natural Born Killers.”

Beautiful little Lyn...

2006-09-19T05:38:00.000-07:00

Being any young woman, no matter how beautiful, can be difficult. So much of her self worth revolves around her appearance. The mirror can be a vessel that holds such distortion, such hatred. Looking in it can be the hardest part of a girl's day, especially without positive reinforcement from loved ones.

Before Squeaky tried to assassinate Ford, Charles Manson was in prison for a while and she felt helpless, wanting to do something to get him out, unsure of how. At one point she began writing a book about “the family.” In it she details her first meeting with Manson and her first year with him, a time of love, release and exploration.

She talks about how Charlie was the first man to make her feel beautiful and sexy, the first man to really MAKE LOVE to her: to make sex feel loving.

She says that the first person to make her feel ugly was her father and hints at sexual abuse. Other men followed, always making her feel used, but she took any attention she could get rather than be left alone…

“Every girl should have a daddy like Charlie. Should! Deserves! to have a daddy like Charlie,” she exclaims in Hendrickson’s documentary.

Charlie aside, every little girl does deserve to have a daddy that makes her feel beautiful, precious, special and adored. Without that…

well, they could turn out like Squeaky.

Part 16: 18

2006-09-18T06:32:00.000-07:00

She was 18 when her father threw her out for good. Three weeks from the completion of her first semester in college, he ordered her out of his house with only some books and cosmetics.

True, 18 is legally an adult and many young people live on their own at 18, even younger. But many of them get a warning, a chance to prepare.

When I was 18 I left home, but I was still so dependent on my parents. Hell, years after college I was still very dependent on them, and even now, even though I make my own money, live on my own and am pretty self-sufficient, I would feel lost if I didn't have my parents to turn to in an emergency; they are my safety net, my support system.

I cannot imagine what it would be like to be rejected by them... I can't imagine how alone and worthless Squeaky must have felt that day on the beach... no wonder it was so easy for Manson to collect her and make her his own.

Squeaky was the second from the left.

2006-09-15T12:30:00.000-07:00

The more I read about Lyn’s father, the more I blame him for her troubles. What kind of father makes his beautiful, happy, charming child turn into somber “zombie” when he comes around? What kind of father squelches his own daughter’s promising artistic talents, forbidding her from joining friends in dance, even when all the other parents are encouraging?

I don’t think a lot of people realize how important a father’s love is to a daughter. A mother’s love is of course vital as well, but a father’s love or lack thereof shapes how that young woman views all men. Lyn’s father’s scorn and neglect sent her in search of a new father figure, a man who WOULD accept and praise her, who WOULD make her feel beautiful and adored…

And her search ended with Charles Manson.

"Charlie" found her on the beach crying after her biological father had thrown her out, and the small amount of concern he showed her, that little bit of caring was all she needed and wanted. She never looked back and eventually grew to worship him and do anything he asked.

If she had only received the love she so desperately craved from her father, maybe she’d never have had to come to school with make-up covering black eyes, maybe she’d never have missed school for weeks, stayed away from home working odd jobs and going on drinking benders…

Maybe she’d never have met Charlie.

Who knows how her life could’ve turned out?

Squeaky: Part 14

2006-09-14T09:29:00.000-07:00

Squeaky Part 14
After watching some footage of Squeaky:

Me: “Crazy chick, huh?”
My dad (also an actor): “Yeah, but don’t say that: you can’t PLAY that.”
Me: “Dad, obviously I won’t play her as a total wackadoo; I won’t play her as if SHE thinks she’s crazy. I think as an actress I can recognize that a person isn’t all there mentally and still play that person in such a way that shows she wholeheartedly believes she is 100% sane and on a holy mission…”

Or can I?

The story unfolds...

2006-09-14T09:24:00.000-07:00

At our fourth rehearsal (which went great; the cast is UBER-TALENTED and we are already joking around and getting along really well) I talked to a cast member about the biography of Squeaky I’m reading (click the link above for more info). He noted that I seem to grow increasingly fond of her. I agreed, full well knowing how sick it may seem to be fond of a woman who attempted to kill people, ordered others to kill people, and worshipped a madman who preached Hitler-esque theories. But don’t we as actors have to find empathy for the characters we play, try to understand where they’re coming from, and at least find PARTS of them we can love? I mean, as I said before, I could’ve been her! I am more and more convinced the only reason I didn’t venture down her path of violence and hatred was because I have a loving and supportive mom and dad, while hers were a mouse and a monster…

Writing to Red

2006-09-12T09:40:00.000-07:00

I also wrote her a second letter... I really hope she writes back; I feel like if I got a letter from her it might unlock some door, show me some secret, something! We shall see...

I know she corresponded with the woman who played her in the Broadway revival, why wouldn't she correspond with me? =(

Rehearsal 3- Finding her voice

2006-09-12T09:28:00.000-07:00

We had our first rehearsal doing scene work, not just singing. I am having a lot of trouble finding Squeaky's voice. "Just use your voice," my director said, but I still want to sound like her. I know that most of my tones, and the timber of my voice will work just fine, but I want to at least be able to somewhat mimic her speech patters and match her pronunciation. I guess it will just take time and a lot of listening to recordings. *sigh* I guess I'm just frustrated because I am able to perfectly mimic a few voices so easily and I wish such was the case with Squeaky.

"Diggers"

2006-09-12T09:22:00.000-07:00

Quick plug...

Rehearsal 2

2006-09-09T17:09:00.000-07:00

2nd rehearsal today. Met my Hinkley and sang through "Unworthy..." Our (awesome) musical director and I started out the day talking about how we didn't like they way they switched harmonies at the end in the original production and ended the rehearsal by switching them anyway, because it sounds really great with ME & THIS Hinkley doing it! ;D

Met some of the rest of the cast- I've met all but 3 now I think. Not a weak link in the bunch. I am over the moon about this show already. Another cast member called us "the cream of the crop of NJ theatre." YAY! =) "He really knows how to pick 'em." I said of our director.

And I continue to do research about Squeaky. I know it sounds crazy but I feel more and more of a connection to her all the time. I feel like if I knew her I would love her, insanity and all. I really think she just did too many drugs and just was/is really confused.

I continue to see the fine line so many of us walk, staying sane, (relatively) "normal" members of society; just walking through Port Authority today among the bums, the perverts who whisper dirty things to me as I walk by, the crazy bag lady meticulously sorting through her junk and putting it into new, clean plastic bags, I wanted to go nuts too and scream, "YOU DON'T KNOW ME- NONE OF YOU KNOW ME!!! YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT SO DON'T TALK TO ME, DON'T EVEN LOOK AT ME ANYMORE OR I WILL FREAK OUT ON YOU IN A WAY YOU WILL NEVER FORGET!!!!!"

But once again, something inside me didn't let it happen...

CRAZY.

Back to Squeaky

2006-09-09T07:49:00.000-07:00

Speaking of wildlife, another thing Squeaky and I have in common is our concern for the environment. She has said that part of the reason she threatened Ford's life was because he wasn't doing enough to save the great redwood forests of California. (She was nicknamed Red because of her concern for the great trees.) I give to environmental charities every year and am really glad that the young people of this country seem increasingly concerned with being eco-friendly.

Quick Break from Squeaky 2

2006-09-09T07:46:00.000-07:00

The "Crocodile Hunter" has passed. He died doing what he loved which is what he wanted. And no matter what you make think of him personally, it is undeniable the amount of work he did on behalf of wildlife. He was a champion of animals and a great educator; he will be missed. R.I.P., S.I.- hope there are lots of crocs for you to wrestle in heaven.

Quick Break from Squeaky 1

2006-09-09T07:44:00.000-07:00

Paris Hilton was arrested for drunk driving. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell me there aren't any people left who think she is a role model!!!